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Author
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Topic: Men vs, Women & vice-versa
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 12-10-2010 01:04 PM
Rated PG....
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. The gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
The gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
The man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already so he figured he had nothing to lose, so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh .. Mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School Class?"
The lady smiled and said, "The same thing I always tell them, "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 03-28-2011 07:28 PM
Rated PG...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. 'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 11-03-2011 01:00 PM
Rated PG...
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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Frank Angel
Film God
Posts: 5305
From: Brooklyn NY USA
Registered: Dec 1999
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posted 06-26-2012 10:41 PM
R Rated
A young fellow was walking along the beach when he came across an older woman sitting on the pier. As he walked by, he her faint sobs and realized she was crying, so he walk out on the long pier to where she sat and asked what was the problem.
The woman said, "I have never been kissed." The youth feeling sorry for the older lady mentally observing that she was, for lack of a phrase, ugly as sin. Nevertheless, he leaned over, gently tilted her head, closed his eyes and and kissed her as passionately as he could muster on the mouth. She stopped wimpering and so he walked away.
He got to the end of the pier and resumed his walk along the beach when again he heard the woman crying, this time even more loudly; he paused, then decided to go and see what the problem was now, again walked the lenght of the pier to the woman. He asked her what was wrong now.
The woman responded, "I have never had my breasts fondled." Although the lad had become acutely aware that she her breasts were not terribly attractive, still, he knelt beside her, opened her blouse and began feeling her breasts and pulling at her nipples. She ceased her crying, so he made got up and made the long walk down pier to the beach to resume his walk on the beach. As he did, he heard her sobbing even more loudly and insistantly than each previous time. Although he thought better of it, he turned and walked back to the sobbing woman.
"What's the matter this time?" he asked?
"I've never been fucked." The lad thought for a moment, bent over and gently slid one arm under her back and the other under her ass, stood up and tossed her into the water saying, "There; now you're fucked."
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Ian Parfrey
Phenomenal Film Handler
Posts: 1049
From: Imbil Australia 26 deg 27' 42.66" S 152 deg 42' 23.40" E
Registered: Feb 2009
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posted 07-06-2012 03:06 PM
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had Given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmy had married a woman from Canada.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Aussie girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 09-02-2013 08:00 PM
Rated PG...
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied............
"Go look in the garage."
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 06-21-2015 03:42 PM
Rated PG....
Recently a long-married married gal had lunch with two of her best, but unmarried, friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress.
The three were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door that following day wearing only a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They would meet in a few days to compare notes.
Well, here's how it all went:
The engaged friend: That night, when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and the mask. He saw me and immediately said, "Wow, you are the woman of my dreams...I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! That night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the raincoat, and under it only the black bra, high heels and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night, yes!
The married gal: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, the stilettos and that black mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 12-29-2015 11:09 AM
Rated G.....
One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?’
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.’
The amazed father asks, 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, 'Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's friends.
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