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Author Topic: Men vs, Women & vice-versa Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2007 10:15 AM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2007 09:40 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley Men Strike Back !!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy . (HOW TRUE IS THIS ONE?!?!) In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2007 09:18 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. The woman arrived At an airport one night With several long hours Before her flight. She hunted for a book In the airport shop, Bought a bag of cookies And found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book But happened to see, That the man sitting beside her, As bold as could be, Grabbed a cookie or two From the bag in between, Which she tried to ignore To avoid a scene. So she munched the cookies And watched the clock, As the gutsy cookie thief Diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated As the minutes ticked by, Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye." With each cookie she took, He took one too, When only one was left, She wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, And a nervous laugh, He took the last cookie And broke it in half. He offered her half, As he ate the other, She snatched it from him And thought... ooh, brother! This guy has some nerve And he's also rude, Why he didn't even show Any gratitude! She had never known When she had been so galled, And sighed with relief When her flight was called. She gathered her belongings And headed to the gate, Refusing to look back At the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane, And sank in her seat, Then she sought her book, Which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, She gasped with surprise, There was her bag of cookies, In front of her eyes. If mine are here, She moaned in despair, The others were his, And he tried to share. Too late to apologize, She realized with grief, That she was the rude one, The ingrate, the thief! How many times have we absolutely known that something was a certain way, only to discover later that what we believed to be true ...was not?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2007 11:04 AM                        Rated G MAN: 1) Pull up to machine 2) Wind window down 3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN 4) Retrieve cash 5) Drive away WOMAN: 1) Pull up to machine 2) Open door (too far away from machine) 3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card 4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair 5) Insert Card 6) Remove card 7) Insert card the correct way up 8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it 9) Enter PIN 10) Enter correct PIN 11) Retrieve cash, put in bag 12) Drive off 13) Reverse back to machine 14) Retrieve card 15) Drive three miles away 16) Release hand-brake  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-17-2007 08:46 AM                        A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2007 06:45 AM                        Rated G When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men!!!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2007 04:42 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2007 10:46 PM                        Rated G Elaine Just remember, men can see much better than they can think. A low-cut neckline does more for a girl's future than the entire Britannica encyclopedia!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2007 10:07 AM                        Rated PG JoEllen in Indiana The Embarrassed Ventriloquist A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate dis crimination against not only blondes, but women in general... And all in the name of humor!" The embar rassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee  |  IP: Logged Bernard Tonks Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 619 From: Cranleigh, Surrey, England Registered: Apr 2001 posted 10-28-2007 12:48 PM                     Rated 'PG' 007 A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late ?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch & I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch ? What's so special about it ?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now ?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers !" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2007 08:23 PM                        Rated PG Dave in Aurora, Ont. Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women #10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. #6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4. Guns function normally every day of the month. #3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?' #2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. #1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2008 01:16 PM                        Rated G Ken Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself, like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2008 01:18 PM                        Rated G Elaine Young man to young woman at a singles' bar. "I'm telling you, I only asked for your phone number because I'm writing a telephone book."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2008 08:24 PM                        Rated R Q : Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy men who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror? A: Take off your glasses. Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2008 02:18 PM                        Rated G the little woman "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds translations Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now! Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise. Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.  |  IP: Logged

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