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Author
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Topic: Men vs, Women & vice-versa
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 03-12-2005 06:13 PM
Rated G...
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona on Valentine's Day when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-25-2005 11:10 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Morris ran into Jacob in front of the jewelry store while shopping at the mall the other day. Noticing a small box, conspicuously gift wrapped, Morris asked Jacob if he'd purchased a gift for his wife, Rebecca.
Jacob told Morris, "Becky has a birthday coming up and when I asked what she wanted, she said, 'Oh I don't know ... just get me something with lots of diamonds in it.' "
"So," says Morris, "what did you get her?"
Jacob smiles and replies, "I got her a deck of cards!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 06-30-2005 05:57 PM
Rated G...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-25-2005 07:56 AM
Rated PG
Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair, ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine, really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to appear.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell how you want it done-not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2005 09:54 PM
Rated PG
Those are my rules
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted." And, I don't expect any hassle from you.
Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.
Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-17-2005 03:03 PM
Rated G
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Ty-D-BolŪ man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" and again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-04-2005 12:38 PM
Rated R ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
A beautiful woman was seated in a fine restaurant. A man, sitting several tables away, was struck by her beauty and requested a waiter to deliver a bottle of the establishment's finest Merlot to her.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants,"
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. I also have over twenty-million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
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