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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2003 08:58 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Tuesday December 16, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually "Did you know that there's a spider on your neck?"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-17-2003 07:44 AM
Rated G Wednesday December 17, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of slime creatures today. There's one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-19-2003 11:47 AM
Rated G Friday December 18, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper." Don't know why.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie." While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-20-2003 08:15 AM
Rated G Saturday December 19, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-22-2003 07:43 AM
Rated G Monday December 20 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze." You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-23-2003 07:53 PM
Rated G Wednesday December 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of celery.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-28-2003 12:40 PM
Rated G Sunday December 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-29-2003 07:47 AM
Rated G Monday December 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
[ 12-30-2003, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-30-2003 04:21 PM
Rated G Wednesday December 31, 2003:
This will be the final posting of Horoscope.....
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-31-2004 08:49 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Feng Shui Horoscope
Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens! If you are honest this tells the truth - it's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper, and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom...
1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like California or Florida more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat
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If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is:
A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
OCT - DEC: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose...
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.
8. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
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