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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-30-2003 03:26 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Sunday March 30, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-31-2003 10:25 AM
Rated G Monday March 31, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze". You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to mumble.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-01-2003 10:00 AM
Rated G Tuesday April 1, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-02-2003 07:07 AM
Rated G Wednesday April 2, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-03-2003 11:26 AM
Rated G Thursday of April 3, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-04-2003 11:30 AM
Rated G Friday April 4, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of galoots, today.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-06-2003 03:24 PM
Rated G Sunday April 6, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full".
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-07-2003 08:11 AM
Rated G Monday April 7, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-08-2003 12:46 PM
Rated G Tuesday April 8, 2003:
Aries(March 21 - April 19) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra".
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details".
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-09-2003 10:08 AM
Rated G Wednesday April 9, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming".
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-10-2003 10:48 AM
Rated G Thursday April 10, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to sneak.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-13-2003 03:54 PM
Rated G Sunday April 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-14-2003 02:39 PM
Rated G Monday April14. 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 04-16-2003 05:32 AM
Rated G Wednesday April 16, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 04-18-2003 03:46 PM
Rated G Friday April 18, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven". Humor them -- act impressed.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor". This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?
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