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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-20-2003 07:18 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Sunday April 20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet". You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On". That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-22-2003 06:15 AM
Rated G Tuesday April 22, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?".
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-23-2003 09:41 AM
Rated G Wednesday April 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-23-2003 03:23 PM
Rated G Thursday April 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of iguanas, today.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-25-2003 07:54 AM
Rated G Friday April 25, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to mumble.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) As you prepare to go to sleep tonight, check yourself out. You are not who you think you are.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 04-25-2003 12:59 PM
Rated G Saturday April 26, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-27-2003 03:39 AM
Rated G Sunday April 27,2003 :
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do". (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-28-2003 07:25 AM
Rated G Monday April 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to sneak.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-29-2003 09:06 AM
Rated G Tuesday April 29, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy".
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down".
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-30-2003 02:48 PM
Rated G Wednesday April 30, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!".
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-01-2003 09:15 AM
Rated G Thursday May 1, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-02-2003 08:45 AM
Rated G Friday May 2, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-03-2003 02:03 PM
Rated G Saturday May 3, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-06-2003 08:29 PM
Rated G Wednesday May 7, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.
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