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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-12-2003 10:29 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Saturday March 15, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-13-2003 06:57 AM
Rated G Sunday March 16, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie". While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...
[ 03-14-2003, 06:08 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-14-2003 06:07 AM
Rated G Monday March 17, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day for a nice nap.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end".
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-17-2003 12:22 PM
Rated G Tuesday March 18, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!". Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-18-2003 07:37 AM
Rated G Wednesday March 19, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze". You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy".
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-18-2003 12:44 PM
Rated G THURSDAY March 20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-19-2003 07:05 AM
Rated G Friday March 21, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it".
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of clams, today.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.
[ 03-19-2003, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-19-2003 02:06 PM
Rated G Saturday March 22, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full".
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-20-2003 12:35 PM
Rated G Sunday March 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-22-2003 10:09 AM
Rated G Monday March 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-23-2003 02:46 PM
Rated G Tuesday March 25, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-24-2003 11:10 AM
Rated G Wednesday March 26, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!".
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-25-2003 12:18 PM
Rated G Thursday March 27, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl".
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-26-2003 07:59 AM
Rated G Friday March 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.
[ 03-28-2003, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-27-2003 12:51 PM
Rated G Saturday March 29, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
E-coli. It's what's for dinner!
[ 03-28-2003, 10:10 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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