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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-03-2003 07:13 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Monday February 3, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-04-2003 06:35 AM
Rated G Tuesday February 4, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor". This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down".
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-05-2003 07:26 AM
Rated G Wednesday February 5, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to mumble.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-06-2003 08:05 AM
Rated G Thursday February 6, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today will be a complete waste of time.You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"..........
er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-07-2003 03:15 PM
Rated G Friday February 7, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of poltergeists, today.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-08-2003 02:20 PM
Rated G Saturday February 8, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do". (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2003 06:30 AM
Rated G Monday February 10, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2003 08:20 AM
Rated G Tuesday February 11, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour". The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-11-2003 08:28 AM
Rated G Wednesday February 12, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-12-2003 07:20 AM
Rated G Thursday February 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-14-2003 07:54 AM
b]Rated G Friday February 14, 2002: [/b]
Aries (March 21 - April 19) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-16-2003 07:55 PM
Rated G Monday February17,2002;
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-17-2003 01:52 PM
Rated G Tuesday February 18,2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-18-2003 07:35 AM
Rated G Wednesday February 19,2000:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-19-2003 11:47 AM
Rated G Thursday February 20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics".
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!". Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
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