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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-13-2002 02:32 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Saturday December 14, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven". Humor them -- act impressed.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy". Tomorrow's better, for that one.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-14-2002 03:27 PM
Rated G SundayDecember 15, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper". Don't know why.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Angst day, today.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet!
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-15-2002 01:11 PM
Rated G Monday December 16, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to go around "nudging" people.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet". You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On". That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2002 08:38 AM
Rated G Tuesday December 17, 2002
Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Deny everything.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-18-2002 11:43 AM
Rated G Wednesday December 18,2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-19-2002 06:09 AM
Rated G Thursday December 19, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes". Or, in this case, wheezes.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-20-2002 07:22 AM
Rated G Friday December 20, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do". (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-20-2002 08:07 PM
Rated G Saturday December 21, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power". You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise".
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-21-2002 07:47 PM
Rated G Sunday December 22, 2002
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-23-2002 06:18 AM
Rated G Horoscope Monday December 23, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-23-2002 04:23 PM
Rated G Horoscope Tuesday December 24, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to mumble.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-24-2002 12:42 PM
Rated G Wednesday December 25, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it."
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Hide.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-25-2002 06:27 PM
Rated G Thursday December 26, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-26-2002 10:51 AM
Rated G Friday December 27,2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to doodle.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-27-2002 09:56 AM
Rated G Saturday December 28, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.
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