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Author Topic: Horoscope Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 11:34 AM                        Rated G Tuesday January 14, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that... Libra (September 22 - October 22) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 09:56 AM                        Rated G Wednesday January 15, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn't work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:05 AM                        Rated G Friday January 17, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way. Leo (July 23 - August 22) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?" Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush... Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 08:11 AM                        Rated G Monday January 20, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family". Or at least, that's what you'll say. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to avoid pickled herring. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 05:43 PM                        Rated G Tuesday January 20, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!" Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:29 PM                        Rated G Wednesday January 22, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry... Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 12:02 PM                        Rated G Thursday January 23, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 01:36 PM                        Rated G Friday January 24,2002: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 02:31 PM                        Rated G Saturday January 25,2002 Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it). Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper". Don't know why. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to go around "nudging" people. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 04:08 PM                        Rated G Sunday January 26, 2002: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better! Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 05:15 PM                        Rated G Tuesday January 28, 2002 Aries (March 21 - April 19) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip". Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 07:54 AM                        Rated G Wednesday January 29, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it." Taurus (April 20 - May 20) All headwear you choose this week should be dark brown. Remember to tilt hats to the left; that way your eyes WILL look even. Avoid floppy brims, as the rain will trickle down your neck, given half a chance. Seek medical advice about the itch. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Avoid yodelling today. Libra (September 22 - October 22) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess"). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 06:52 AM                        Rated G Thursday January 30, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine. [ 01-30-2003, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 07:10 AM                        Rated G Friday January 31, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though. Leo (July 23 - August 22) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute". Still, this may prove a little awkward. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.) [ 01-31-2003, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 02:45 PM                        Rated G Saturday February 1, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though. Leo (July 23 - August 22) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute". Still, this may prove a little awkward. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)  |  IP: Logged

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