|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Horoscope
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-20-2003 12:06 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Friday February 21, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy".
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-22-2003 12:28 PM
Rated G Saturday February 22, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-22-2003 01:36 PM
Rated G Sunday February 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.
[ 02-24-2003, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-24-2003 08:41 AM
Rated G Monday February 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair".
Libra (September 22 - October 22) So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon". My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-25-2003 06:33 AM
Rated G Tuesday February 25,2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-26-2003 01:02 PM
Rated G Wednesday February 26, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-27-2003 09:43 AM
Rated G Thursday February 27, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line:D
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 02-28-2003 04:43 PM
Rated G Friday February 28, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Libra (September 22 - October 22) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named "Brutus", it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-01-2003 01:07 PM
Rated G SaturdayMarch 1, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-08-2003 08:57 AM
Rated G Saturday March 8, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of iguanas, today.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-10-2003 06:02 AM
Rated G Monday March 10, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!
Leo (July 23 - August 22) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-10-2003 09:57 AM
Rated G Tuesday March 11, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of galoots, today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks".
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Avoid yodelling today.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-11-2003 07:22 AM
Rated G Wednesday March 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-11-2003 07:39 AM
Rated G Thursday March 13, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 03-11-2003 03:42 PM
Rated G Friday March 14. 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo". I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic