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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-11-2003 11:41 AM
Rate G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Friday November 14, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today may fail to live up to your expectations, but remember: it's what it's not that makes it what it is.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 11-12-2003, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-12-2003 08:21 AM
Rated G Saturday November 15 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power." You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise."
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-12-2003 07:33 PM
Rated G Sunday November 16 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of rodents.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
What you mostly need at this point in your life, is a retinue. Either that, or an entourage. The best way to get started is with a simple classified ad - look for "followers, hangers-on, sycophants, or toadies."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-14-2003 05:38 AM
Rated G Monday November 17, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day for a nice nap.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-14-2003 04:41 PM
Rated G Tuesday November 18, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce." You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-16-2003 06:04 AM
Rated G Wednesday November 19 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them." They are a silly people, the Dutch.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 07:14 AM
Rated G Thursday November 20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge." This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-18-2003 09:23 AM
Rated G Friday November 21, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone will tell you that you "run funny." Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-19-2003 12:09 PM
Rated G Saturday November 22, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-19-2003 08:14 PM
Rated G Sunday November 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-21-2003 01:07 AM
Rated G Monday November 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm." You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-22-2003 03:32 PM
Rated G Tuesday November 25, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware of short people.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Soon you will find something that is almost, but not quite, the cat's pajamas. More like the cat's jock strap, in this case.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-23-2003 10:22 AM
Rated G Wednesday November 26, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-24-2003 09:11 AM
Rated G Thursday November 27, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of rodents.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-24-2003 10:16 AM
Rated G Friday Novenber 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of rodents.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
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