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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-12-2003 09:53 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Saturday September 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip." Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of galoots, today.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-13-2003 10:23 AM
Rated G Sunday September 14, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-14-2003 05:34 AM
Rated G Monday September 15, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don't remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip." Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of galoots, today.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-14-2003 07:41 PM
Rated G Tuesday September 16, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to act extremely childish.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said "Less is more." He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing." Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-15-2003 09:58 AM
Rated G Wednesday September 17, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19) A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what's wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter "nothing, it's nothing."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't been that flexible in years.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-16-2003 11:58 AM
Rated G Thursday September 18,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-17-2003 01:54 PM
Rated G Friday September 19, 2003;
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop." That's a bad habit, anyway.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Beware of celery.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-19-2003 12:11 AM
Rated G Saturday September 20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them." They are a silly people, the Dutch.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-21-2003 03:35 PM
Rated G Monday September 22, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive." You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed.")
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-23-2003 06:09 AM
Rated G :)Tuesday September 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture?
Leo (July 23 - August 22) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 09-23-2003 08:47 AM
Rated G Wednesday September 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 09-23-2003 02:53 PM
Rated G Thursday September 25 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-25-2003 06:12 AM
Rated G Friday September 26, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 09-26-2003 10:14 AM
Rated G Saturday September 27 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Bad day to tease a yak.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 09-28-2003 11:14 AM
Rated G Sunday September 28,2003
Please note that I will be away from a computer until October 6 when I will return with new horoscopes, Useless facts and Jokes.
Bob...Yes, I will be drinking Martini's
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Please Note: I will be away fro a computer until October 6 when the Horoscopes and jokes will resume.
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