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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-26-2003 12:29 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Thursday August 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?) ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-28-2003 09:45 AM
Rated G Friday August 29, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Dogs barking. Can't fly without umbrella.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-30-2003 10:29 AM
Rated G Saturday August 30, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors." It's an idea whose time has come.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley." Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-30-2003 09:29 PM
Rated G Sunday August 31 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your cat will go thundering past you on the linoleum, but will miss the doorway by an inch or so. You will hear an odd "ping!" sound as her head hits the doorjamb. No harm will be done.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy." Tomorrow's better, for that one.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-01-2003 03:50 PM
Rated G Monday September 1, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2003 06:06 AM
Rated G Tuesday September 2, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie." While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2003 08:45 AM
Rated G Wednesday September 3, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There's no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance...
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be "Have you ever thought much about death?" or "Where's the strangest place you ever had sex?."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
[ 09-03-2003, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-04-2003 06:26 AM
Rated G Thursday September 4, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-05-2003 07:13 AM
Rated G Friday September 5, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Remember: it's a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a "bludgeoning."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker."
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-05-2003 01:11 PM
Rated G Saturday September 6, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo." I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will tell you that you "run funny." Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-07-2003 07:14 AM
Rated G Sunday September 7, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do." (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-08-2003 05:10 AM
Rated G Monday September 8, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization." Time to go on a diet!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-09-2003 06:09 AM
Rated G Wednesday September 10, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven." Humor them -- act impressed.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware of iguanas, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Bring extra. You'll need it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
[ 09-09-2003, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 09-10-2003 07:39 AM
Rated G Thursday September 11, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 09-11-2003 12:21 PM
Rated G Friday September 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet." You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On." That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.
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