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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-10-2003 12:18 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Saturday July 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word "diaper". Don't know why.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair". ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-13-2003 06:36 AM
Rated G Sunday July 14, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to act extremely childish.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.
[ 07-14-2003, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-14-2003 02:25 AM
Rated G Monday July 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will meet someone with a really "cute" sneeze.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy".
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually "Did you know that there's a spider on your neck?"
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-14-2003 08:32 AM
Rated G Tuesday July 15, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-14-2003 08:34 AM
Rated G Wednesday July 16, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-14-2003 08:37 AM
Rated G Thursday July 17, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!".
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to fidget.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-15-2003 03:26 PM
Rated G Friday July 18, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
.syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-16-2003 05:48 AM
Rated G Saturday July 19, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle". Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-16-2003 11:21 AM
Rated G Sunday July 20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent time to make up your own names for kitchen implements. You'll discover that you don't have nearly enough sticklers, but that you have every reason to be proud of your flatula.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though - I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember: it's a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a "bludgeoning".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-17-2003 10:24 AM
Rated G Monday July 21, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are always running out of things to say,at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family". Or at least, that's what you'll say.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes". Or, in this case, wheezes.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-18-2003 06:23 AM
Rated G Tuesday July 22, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium". Don't take it lightly.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute". Still, this may prove a little awkward.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-20-2003 06:47 AM
Rated G Wednesday July 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium". Don't take it lightly.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute". Still, this may prove a little awkward.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-21-2003 06:42 AM
Rated G Thursday July 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of Doug.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-22-2003 05:52 AM
Rated G Friday July 25, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will receive an honor from a foreign dignitary today. Everyone else will be horribly jealous of you.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-23-2003 08:14 AM
Rated G Saturday July 26 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
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