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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-07-2003 09:10 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Monday June 9, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family". Or at least, that's what you'll say.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-09-2003 09:32 AM
Rated G Tuesday June 10, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Hide.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-10-2003 07:28 AM
Rated G Wednesday June 11, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!". Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-11-2003 11:41 AM
Rated G Thursday June 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today your body will be taken over by a fish. You will feel refreshed and returned to your body around midnight.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-12-2003 11:39 AM
Rated G Friday June 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-13-2003 12:03 PM
Rated G Saturday June 14, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-14-2003 04:36 PM
Rated G Sunday June 15, 2003;
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-17-2003 05:47 AM
Rated G Tuesday June 17, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Remember: you can't tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you'll meet an angel, but don't let on that you know who she really is.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-17-2003 09:48 PM
Rated G Wednesday June 18, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember: One tiddles one's winks, not vice versa. Winking one's tiddles would be crude, and is illegal in some states.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-18-2003 06:57 PM
Rated G Thursday June 19,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That's about what you should expect, though, from a cow "orker".
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-19-2003 06:56 PM
Rated G Friday June20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo". I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do". (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-20-2003 08:50 AM
Rated G Saturday June 21 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo". I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do". (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-24-2003 05:42 AM
Rated G Tuesday June 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said "Less is more." He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-24-2003 11:37 AM
Rated G Wednesday June 25, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-24-2003 03:04 PM
Rated G Thursday June 26 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They're just doing it to be difficult.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of galoots, today.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful -- they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
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