. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor". This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Rated G Wednesday August 21, 2002

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to go around "nudging" people.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Angst day, today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl".

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.