Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight". You should be ashamed of yourself.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of celery.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

Rated G Monday November 4, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Rated G Tuesday November 5, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family". Or at least, that's what you'll say.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.