Rated G Wednesday November 6, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Rated G Thursday November 7, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Libra (September 22 - October 22) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) E-coli. It's what's for dinner!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess"

Rated G Friday November 8, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Another excellent day to whittle.

Rated G Saturday November 9, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.

Rated G Monday November 11, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.

Rated G Tuesday November 12, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.

Rated G Wednesday November 13, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You look rediculous in that. Go and change.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Rated G Thursday November 14, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Rated G Friday November 15, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.

Rated G Sunday November 17, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...

Leo (July 23 - August 22) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fidget.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.

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