Aries (March 21 - April 19) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Another excellent day to whittle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Deny everything.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip". Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor". This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to fidget.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive". You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of clams, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

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Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Angst day, today.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy".

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Avoid yodelling today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to go around "nudging" people.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.