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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-25-2003 07:23 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Saturday November 29, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-26-2003 12:42 PM
Rated G Sunday November 30, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie." While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-28-2003 08:38 AM
Rated G Monday December 1, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually "Did you know that there's a spider on your neck?"
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-30-2003 08:31 AM
Rated G Tuesday December 2, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-01-2003 02:41 PM
Rated G Wednesday December 3, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today, someone named "Svlad" will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-03-2003 10:04 AM
Rated G Thursday December 4 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of turnips.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2003 09:02 PM
Rated G Friday December 5 2003;
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge." This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
.syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-08-2003 10:58 AM
Rated G Monday December 8, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
That idea you've had rolling around in the back of your mind is about ready to go. If you leave it there much longer, it will start to decay - and there's nothing worse than a stinky mind.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors." It's an idea whose time has come.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now...what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is "worm farming."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-08-2003 03:06 PM
Rated G Tuesday December 9, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to get yourself one of those aromatherapy candles that you see in gift stores. Try "Love" or "Inspiration" for example. (Avoid "Death" or "Decay.")
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family." Or at least, that's what you'll say.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of celery.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You'll be asked to knock it off.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to doodle.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-09-2003 06:24 AM
Rated G Wednesday December 10, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads." Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don't ask me. I just see the future, I don't explain it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2003 06:55 AM
Rated G Thursday December 11,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat." Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as "Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!"
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.
[ 12-11-2003, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-11-2003 11:55 PM
Rated G Friday December 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-12-2003 01:20 PM
Rated G Saturday December 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won't know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won't be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you'll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-14-2003 09:46 AM
Rated G Sunday December 14, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop." That's a bad habit, anyway.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-14-2003 09:54 PM
Rated G Monday December 15, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.
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