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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-19-2003 10:37 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Thursday October 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-20-2003 12:21 PM
Rated G Friday October 24 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way you'll be safe.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!." Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2003 12:27 PM
Rated G Saturday October 25, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-22-2003 01:36 PM
Rated G Sunday October 26, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!." Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-23-2003 08:10 AM
Rated G Monday October 27, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This is a good time to knock on wood. As you know, that's a way of thanking the leprechauns for your recent good fortune. Or if you can find some formica, knock on that - that thanks the mutant sludge creature who is hiding under the stairs. It all depends who you want on your side, I guess.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-23-2003 12:46 PM
Rated G Tuesday October 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of clams, today.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats." That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will make the startling discovery that most of the lawyers and judges in your county have been possessed by demons. In fact, they weren't kidding when they said that possession was nine tenths of the law...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon." My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-26-2003 02:31 PM
Rated G Wednesday October 29, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm." You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to doodle.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-27-2003 12:48 PM
Rated G Thursday October 30, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will send away for the pamphlet titled "The Manly Art Of Knitting", today, but sadly, it will be out of print. You should check with a rare books merchant.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage." The best reply to this is "Huh?"
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-28-2003 01:57 AM
Rated G Friday October 31, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Soon you will find something that is almost, but not quite, the cat's pajamas. More like the cat's jock strap, in this case.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That's just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed..
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-29-2003 01:15 PM
Rated G Saturday November 1, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-01-2003 08:14 AM
Rated G Sunday November 2 2003:
Next Posting will be November 9th when I return
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-10-2003 10:50 AM
Rated G Monday November 10,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power." You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry. It's probably nothing.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-11-2003 07:20 AM
Rated G Tuesday November 11, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to make as much goulash as possible.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to mumble.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-11-2003 11:17 AM
Rated G Wednesday November 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 11-11-2003 11:35 AM
Rated G Thursday November 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.
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