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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-08-2003 07:39 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Wednesday October 8, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-08-2003 10:16 AM
Rated G Thursday October 92003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)?
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron." You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-10-2003 03:36 AM
Rated G Friday October 10, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever." Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a "mountain-person"? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-10-2003 07:47 AM
Rated G Saturday October 11, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-10-2003 07:49 AM
Rated G Sunday October 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you'd like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of Doug.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy."
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn't care less. I've found that the best reply in this case is usually "Did you know that there's a spider on your neck?"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes." Or, in this case, wheezes.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-10-2003 07:51 AM
Rated G Monday October 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to bring an empty donut box in to work, leave it on the counter in the break room, and send out email saying "free donuts!" Later, spread a rumor that your manager ate most of them.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Another excellent day to whittle.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that's what you do, at parties.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to go around "nudging" people.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-10-2003 08:00 AM
Rated G Tuesday October 14, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach "Mo's Leather Emporium." Don't take it lightly.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-11-2003 02:08 PM
Rated G Wednesday October 15, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else's tummy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-13-2003 09:56 AM
Rated G Thursday October 16, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge." This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-13-2003 12:55 PM
Rated G Friday October 17, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-14-2003 10:09 AM
Rated G Saturday October 18, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened." Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-15-2003 03:40 PM
Rated G Sunday October 19, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Avoid yodelling today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!." Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
.syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-16-2003 05:39 PM
Rated G Monday October 20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you'll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don't you worry -- you can't make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you'll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
E-coli. It's what's for dinner!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-17-2003 10:24 AM
Rated G Tuesday October 21, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was "act like a dog" day, you might have been better prepared.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Deny everything.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-18-2003 07:40 AM
Rated G Wednesday October 22. 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
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