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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-11-2003 05:22 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Tuesday August 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-14-2003 03:46 PM
Rated G Thursday August 14, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to make as much goulash as possible.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!." That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Avoid alternative music, today. Also, try to find what's making that nasty smell in the fridge, before it gets worse.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-14-2003 03:55 PM
Friday August 15, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren't that type of person, and it's no use pretending.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Beware of rodents.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-14-2003 09:26 PM
Rated G Saturday August 16, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will lurk, today. There's nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it's occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you'll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-16-2003 08:25 AM
Rated G Sunday August 17, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Be careful if you try to be funny, today. Although you are normally reknowned for your dry wit, you may be a bit soggy, today.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-17-2003 09:24 AM
Rated G Monday August 18,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will answer the phone today by shouting "You bloated sack of protoplasm!." Unfortunately, it's not your friend calling. It's your mother.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-18-2003 04:20 PM
Rated G Tuesday August 19,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage." The best reply to this is "Huh?"
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-19-2003 05:57 AM
Rated G Wednesday August 20, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will decide that you like the name "Sven" better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One must have standards, after all.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
[ 08-19-2003, 07:13 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-19-2003 07:12 PM
Rated G Thursday August 21, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight." You should be ashamed of yourself.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It's your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to make as much goulash as possible.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. "Let's all just pretend there isn't one!", you'll say.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Continue hiding.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-21-2003 05:31 AM
Rated G Friday August 22, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
It's ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Don't lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 08-22-2003 05:54 AM
Rated G Saturday August 23,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you'll try the old "goat in a box" trick, on your new boss. It'll backfire, though, and you'll be the one with the clown shoes.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-22-2003 04:47 PM
Rated G Sunday August 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Crisply salute everyone you meet today. They'll all be startled into saluting back, and then they'll feel like idiots. You should then smile charmingly at them, and saunter off.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-22-2003 08:32 PM
RATED G Monday August 25,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you're not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it's whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor." This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it "hubcaps." This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn't kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don't know and I don't care.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-24-2003 06:59 AM
Rated G Tuesday August 26 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, "nothing" will play a very large part in your future.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in "Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit" by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute."
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Beware of being cautious, today.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 08-25-2003 05:46 AM
Rated G Wednesday August 27, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I'm guessing that you'd be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!."
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn't though -- it's just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
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