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Author Topic: Horoscope Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2003 07:20 AM                        Rated G Monday July 28, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help? Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something? Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2003 07:22 AM                        Rated G Tuesday July 29, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana... Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2003 07:24 AM                        Rated G Wednesday July 30, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record! Leo (July 23 - August 22) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour". The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.) Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2003 07:26 AM                        Rated G Thursday July 31, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2003 08:35 PM                        Rated G Friday August 1, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble". Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune? Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-30-2003 04:06 PM                        Rated G Saturday August 2 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You've been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven't you? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!". Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!? Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that's going to be your pinacle of excitement for today. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 04:50 AM                        Rated G Sunday August 3, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to make as much goulash as possible. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know? Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight! Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to doodle. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 08:00 PM                        Rated G Monday August 4, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Deny everything. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you? Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon. Libra (September 22 - October 22) E-coli. It's what's for dinner! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-02-2003 07:06 AM                        Rated G Tuesday August 5, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places... Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.) Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline. Libra (September 22 - October 22) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to shuffle your feet. Remember: it's OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-03-2003 09:54 AM                        Rated G Wednesday August 6, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite! Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That's it, though, for today's excitement. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to get into the groove. Be groovy. Try saying that out loud. Go on... groovy groovy groovy! Oh yeah! Tomorrow: being hep-cat-daddy-o. Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though). Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details". Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 06:04 AM                        Rated G Thursday August 7, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don't. Leo (July 23 - August 22) This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question - there's no point in going further if you don't see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I'm referring to "crunchy" versus "creamy", of course. Why, what did you think I meant? Libra (September 22 - October 22) Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This might be a good time to learn how to really "flick" your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I'm betting it's soon, though, in your case. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun! Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G Friday August 8, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days? Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you should enjoy "postlaunch solarizing". Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It's your life, you tell me. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of clams, today. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to learn to do more with your toes. Start off by tying knots with them, and who knows? You could end up being able to accompany yourself on the piano! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it's often entertaining to try.) Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 10:22 AM                        Rated G Saturday August 9, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along? Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to learn to play the tuba. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to mumble. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-07-2003 12:49 PM                        Rated G Sunday August 10, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.) Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them. Libra (September 22 - October 22) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that? Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.) Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it "hubcaps". This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn't kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day". Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2003 01:26 AM                        Rated G Monday August 11, 2003: Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John". Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!" Leo (July 23 - August 22) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do. Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying "no"? Sheesh. Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.  |  IP: Logged

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