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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2003 05:52 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Friday June 27, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money. (It's less jingley.) ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2003 11:09 AM
Rated G Saturday June 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will aquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You'll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That's it though, for today's excitement.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be "Have you ever thought much about death?" or "Where's the strangest place you ever had sex?".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-26-2003 06:31 AM
Rated G Sunday June 29, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don't worry, though. That's normal.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-26-2003 07:36 PM
Rated G Monday June 30, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive". You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso's secret. He didn't deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-27-2003 01:47 PM
Rated G Tuesday July 1, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won't have anywhere to put it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today will be one of those days when everything reminds you of wild hickory nuts. Tomorrow: everything reminds you of peach yogurt.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will realize that it's impossible to truly "control" anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some "influence" over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-29-2003 08:54 AM
Rated G Wednesday July 2 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will wake up in somebody else's body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you'll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you've "traded down".
Leo (July 23 - August 22) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Don't worry -- that fortune cookie was wrong.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-29-2003 08:02 PM
Rated G Thursday July 3 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.
[ 06-30-2003, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-30-2003 03:45 PM
Rated G Friday July 4 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say "What am I, psychic?" It's not, though.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it."
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Bad day to tease a yak.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to get yourself one of those aromatherapy candles that you see in gift stores. Try "Love" or "Inspiration" for example. (Avoid "Death" or "Decay".)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-02-2003 04:12 AM
Rated G Saturday July 5, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop". That's a bad habit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won't tell anyone.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-03-2003 06:55 AM
Rated G Sunday July 6, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Beware of celery.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-05-2003 10:54 AM
Rated G Monday July 7, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a "smidgeon" and a "pinch".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That's all you'll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you'll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
And old friend will call today, who you haven't talked to in years. He'll remind you that you owe him money.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you'll simply get used to it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to try impressing someone in authority. Why not show them how good you are at making under-arm noises? That's always good for making a lasting impression.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-07-2003 06:15 AM
Rated G Tuesday July 8, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This might be a good time to consider night school. That's night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-07-2003 03:56 PM
Rated G Wednesday July 9, 2003 :
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to sneak.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Beware of short people.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)?
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-08-2003 07:25 AM
Rated G Thursday July 10, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn't ready for a meatloaf smoothie?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to focus on simplicity and order. For a simple dinner, for example, order pizza. See how easy that is?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-08-2003 03:25 PM
Rated G Friday July 11, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Watch out for vines, today. Sometime's it's hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it's too late.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Avoid yodelling today.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to go around "nudging" people.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They're not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they're definitely a step in the wrong direction.
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