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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-24-2003 10:12 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Saturday May 24, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and "walking" it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-25-2003 08:51 AM
Rated G Sunday May 25, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A romantic episode will take you by surprise. Tip: the important thing to remember when dealing with circus performers, is not to suggest having a "fling".
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Drip, drip, drip. Dunno. Something like that will be in your life, soon. I'll bet it's something good!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Another excellent day to whittle.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-26-2003 08:05 AM
Rated G Monday May 26, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something interesting...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that's what it will seem like -- sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-26-2003 04:23 PM
Rated G Tuesday May 27, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy". Tomorrow's better, for that one.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-27-2003 08:28 AM
Rated G Wednesday May 28, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable".
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-30-2003 05:58 AM
Rated G Friday May 30, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will buy a package of those birthday-party confetti-blaster thingies, and will rig booby traps for several of your friends. One of them will die of a heart-attack, due to the surprise, and you'll be plagued with horrible undying guilt for the rest of your life. Plus, you will run out of toothpaste, today.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Avoid friends who've had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-30-2003 03:46 PM
Rated G Saturday May 31, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor's back yard. It's probably nothing -- he probably just digs at night if he can't get to sleep. I know I do.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you "Sven". Humor them -- act impressed.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of turnips.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-31-2003 07:33 AM
Rated G Sunday June 1, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This is an excellent day to dare. Dare to eat a peach. Dare to wear your trousers rolled, and walk along the beach. Dare to be different. That sort of thing.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-01-2003 02:25 PM
Rated G Monday June 2, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day for a nice nap.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What's more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to "never look a gift horse in either end".
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will be watched by cats. It's nothing really worth worrying about, I'm sure. Did you know that you've started making little unconscious "squeaks" when you're concentrating on something?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.
Pisces (February 19 - March 2All of you fish people are banished from film-tech today. No jokes for you.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-02-2003 08:02 AM
Rated G Tuesday June 3, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-03-2003 03:58 PM
Rated G Wednesday June 4, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy".
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You're about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies "dour". The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can't ignore them, pretend they are a duck.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-04-2003 08:04 AM
Rated G Thursday June 5,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of Doug.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-05-2003 07:18 AM
Rated G Friday June 6, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A brilliant idea for a new hand tool will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-06-2003 11:09 AM
Rated G Saturday June 7, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Libra (September 22 - October 22) The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce". You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-06-2003 02:30 PM
Rated G Sunday June 8, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, "Giggles".
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a "weapon of incredible range and power". You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as "a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise".
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.
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