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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-07-2003 10:18 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Thursday May 8, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:".
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-08-2003 07:26 PM
Rated G Friday May 9th 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Bad news: people think you're becoming paranoid. Isn't that just typical, though? I mean, they don't even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called "Rainy Daze". You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn't care for "Clenched Buttocks" as a band name.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-09-2003 12:12 PM
Rated G Saturday May 10, 2003
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It's time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It's for the best, in the long run.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
It's time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like "mashee" or "niblick" in casual conversation?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbors will volunteer to pay for lessons. It's selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-10-2003 02:04 PM
Rated G Sunday May 11,2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-11-2003 07:42 PM
Rated G Monday May 12, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself -- call in the professionals.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-12-2003 01:14 PM
Rated G Tuesday May 13, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or "nose hair".
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You'll forget where you're going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-13-2003 12:51 PM
Rated G Wednesday May 14, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-14-2003 07:10 PM
Rated G Thursday May 15, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Avoid yodelling today.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?)
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under "Florists, Reputable".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-15-2003 08:58 PM
Rated G Friday May 16 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-16-2003 06:12 PM
Rated G Saturday May 17, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it "Ze Bra".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Bubba-Bonics".
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light, ok? The extra point isn't worth it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-17-2003 02:36 PM
Rated G Sunday May 18, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
This is not a good day to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad in the back of Mad magazine.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-18-2003 05:08 PM
Rated G Monday May 19, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl".
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to sneak.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-19-2003 03:48 PM
Rated G Tuesday May 20, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will order the dinner "special" at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-20-2003 09:26 AM
Rated G Wednesday May 21, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will watch something like a hawk. Basically, you do that by having unblinking beady little eyes, and a brain the size of a peanut.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You haven't been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to -- either at night, or during boring meetings.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you'll get most of the smell out.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-22-2003 07:29 PM
Rated G Friday May 23, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".
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