. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Angst day, today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!".

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Continue hiding.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad". It's something to do.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes". Or, in this case, wheezes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

.syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of Doug.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Beware of clams, today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)