Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of iguanas, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"

Libra (September 22 - October 22) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of turnips.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"

Aries (March 21 - April 19) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You look rediculous in that. Go and change.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it".

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Leo (July 23 - August 22) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Rated G Wednesday October 16, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Libra (September 22 - October 22) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of iguanas, today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.