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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-25-2002 08:24 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Monday November 25, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you've been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of galoots, today.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will give you a card, today. It'll be nice.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-25-2002 04:41 PM
Rated G Tuesday November 26, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn't I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok...actually, today you will have pizza.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Leo (July 23 - August 22) This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I'm often tempted to do that, but I just can't figure out where "there" is -- every time I get there, it's here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-26-2002 09:39 AM
Rated G Wednesday November 27, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Another day of social convention defiance, today. You may even go so far as to send a letter to Miss Manners, which begins: "Uh, Yo:" (Well, that's how Sylvester Stallone starts all his correspondence, right?)
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-27-2002 10:41 AM
Rated G Thursday November 28, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) While attending a séance "just for fun", you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fritter things away.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of being cautious, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle".
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-02-2002 08:47 AM
Rated G Monday December 2, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of celery.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is the day you've been waiting for. Go around to everyone you know, and tell them you're terribly sorry. Give them a firm handclasp, and walk briskly away, with no further explanation. Tomorrow, deny ever doing such a thing, and question their sanity. If you keep people on their toes, they will have a richer, fuller life. That's thanks enough, I should think, for your efforts.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-03-2002 07:12 AM
Rated G Tuesday December 3, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there's every reason to believe you'll become much better soon!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-04-2002 11:51 AM
Rated G Wednesday December 4, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There's no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-05-2002 07:22 AM
Rated G Thursday December 5, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you aren't careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression "hideously deformed" may not be as neutral as you believe.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Leo (July 23 - August 22) While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop". That's a bad habit, anyway.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Your children will return, but they'll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you'll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-06-2002 02:04 PM
Rated G Friday December 6,2002
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Everyone around you will act silly, today -- whapping each other with floral matter, calling each other "Doctor", and doing Bantu war dances in the hallway. The most likely explanation is that there's a nitrous oxide leak somewhere.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will ask you for your advice. Don't give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter "Much bad juju", and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-07-2002 10:14 PM
Rated G Sunday December 8, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Following up on your accidental observation of the "sock dimension" (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you'll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It'll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor". This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-08-2002 07:16 AM
Rated G Monday December 9, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone "booger-face".
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-09-2002 09:48 AM
Rated G Tuesday December 10, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-10-2002 09:51 PM
Rated G Wednesday December 11, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will insist on being called "El Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-11-2002 07:38 AM
Rated G Thursday December 12, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will break all the resolutions you made yesterday, and you will grin.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-12-2002 11:13 AM
Rated G Friday December 13, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to sneak.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't forget the twine.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to mumble.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.
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