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Author
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Topic: Horoscope
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-28-2002 08:38 PM
RATED G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Horoscope of Sunday December 29, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet". You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On". That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it's starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says "Quantum Physics for Dogs", and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-30-2002 02:10 PM
Rated G Tuesday December 31, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Try to work the words "happenstance" and "ineffable" into your conversation today. It turns out that most people believe any sentence that has the word "ineffable" in it. Such as that one.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope, however.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you're going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor
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Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-01-2003 08:24 PM
Rated G Thursday January 2, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-02-2003 07:56 AM
Rated G Friday January 3, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men's cologne. For example: "The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind" (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: "Disturb the equilibrium" (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you're destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone's office window.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it".
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 10) In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute". Still, this may prove a little awkward.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Two people near you will engage in sudden, violent, rubber-band warfare. You will be caught in a crossfire, and severely thwapped. Next time, consider wearing protective headgear indoors.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-03-2003 06:39 AM
Rated G Saturday January 3, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you'll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you'll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you'll get literally several people interested.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-03-2003 08:39 PM
Rated G Saturday January 4, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to use the expression "just dandy" as much as possible. Tomorrow: "okey dokey" day.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-04-2003 09:23 PM
Rated G Sunday January 5, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your main problem? You're not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls - most of them can't tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-05-2003 01:56 PM
Rated G .........................Monday January 6, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to act extremely childish.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say "Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant."
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you'll never actually see it move. Don't you just hate that?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family". Or at least, that's what you'll say.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-06-2003 11:10 AM
Rated G Tuesday January 7, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you'll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-07-2003 08:41 PM
Rated Wednesday January 8, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "catches horrible disfiguring disease" and "loses everything in major earthquake". I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingie". While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-08-2003 07:26 PM
Rated G Thursday January 9, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody's guess.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you'll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A person named "Elmo" will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he's dialed a wrong number.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-09-2003 07:47 PM
Rated G Friday January 10,2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-10-2003 01:52 PM
Rated G Saturday January 11, 2003:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover that you are capable of "channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-11-2003 03:07 PM
Rated G Sunday January 12, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to move on to bigger and better opportunities. Be sure to be outrageously nice to everyone until you leave - they'll only remember the last bit, anyway.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort of retainer she'd meant.
[ 01-13-2003, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-13-2003 06:28 AM
Rated G Monday January 13, 2002:
Aries (March 21 - April 19) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to go around "nudging" people.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You've been trying to sell your car, and it just isn't going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the "Millenium Falcon". My passengers often become irritated at being called "Chewie", though.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of rodents.
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