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Topic: Political Humor
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-03-2002 08:20 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "otherside." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends,that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-09-2002 05:56 PM
Rated PG
FBI TO ISSUE 5-DAY TERROR FORECASTS
Recognizable Format Should Make It Easier for Americans to Organize Week
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Abandoning the last-minute, panic-inducing warning system it has used until now, the FBI today said it will begin issuing regular, five-day terror forecasts. Today's outlook: light, scattered terrorism early, tapering off by noon. Tomorrow: Clear, and seasonably dangerous.
"Everyone talks about the terrorism, but nobody does anything about it."
— Mark Twain
According to U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft, the forecasts will serve as a more consistent, and less frightening, reminder that Americans should stay vigilant, while the familiar, five-day format should make it much easier to plan ahead.
"We in law enforcement are duty-bound to report inherent danger, so we will continue to alert the public to serious threats," said Ashcroft. "But we also understand how frustrating it is to organize a family picnic or corporate event, only to have it washed out by the late-breaking specter of impending doom. So before you venture out, tune in to us."
Critics, however, immediately questioned the ability of the FBI's on-air AccuThreatTM forecasters to partake in awkward, meangingless banter with local TV news personnel, citing an exchange last night between sports anchor Marv Rupert and FBI anchor Robert Carpenter on KTLA-Los Angeles.
Marv: "...and speaking of zone defenses, Bob, I hear we might be in the 'danger zone' tomorrow. Ha ha."
Robert: "Your comments are suspicious. Do not leave the studio."
Across the country, meanwhile, most Americans welcomed the initiative, although some said it did not go far enough.
"I understand that terrorism is unpredictable, like the weather, but I need a long-range forecast, not a five-day," said bride-to-be Sarah Hanover of Keene, N.H. "I've already booked the Elks Club for June 15. Will that be a bad day? Should I switch to the 22nd? And should I wear white, or Kevlar?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 12-09-2002 06:00 PM
Rated PG
MORE DELAYS: IRAQ NOW SAYS U.S. MUST PUBLISH "INTENT TO ATTACK" NOTICE IN BAGHDAD PAPER
U.S. Also Needs Invasion, Demolition, Military Housing Permits
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Already frustrated by seemingly endless delays, U.S. officials today conceded a confusing knot of new Iraqi regulations that require "non-resident aggressors" to obtain hundreds of federal and provincial pre-invasion permits and licenses will further postpone any attack on Saddam Hussein.
"I keep saying we haven't set a date for an attack on Iraq, and now I think you can all see why," complained U.S. President George W. Bush, who was busily typing up an "Intent to Overthrow" notice that must be published in an Iraqi newspaper of record for two weeks.
"I'm starting to think all the hassle is just not worth it," added U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who has been shuttling back and forth between Washington and the Iraqi consulate in Paris trying to get the appropriate paperwork. "They say we have to get temporary military lodging permits, heavy equipment usage permits. We even have to submit an environmental impact study before we can destroy any buildings."
"They may have asbestos," explained Ibrahim Hekmat, a building inspector in the Public Works Ministry.
Indeed, according to Mohammed Mahdi Saleh, Iraq's Minister of Military Intervention and Industry, much has changed in Iraq since the United States invaded in 1991.
"You can no longer just come in here and demolish a structure or occupy a city," said Saleh. "You must post a notice in the newspaper to solicit public comments and submit a form S-14/TQ-3A. And then there are mandatory public hearings. Our board meets on the second Wednesday of each month, excluding Ramadan."
If a proposal is accepted, applicants still have to obtain permits and approvals from dozens of governmental agencies in each of the 18 Iraqi provinces, including the Al Muthanna Military Intervention Board, the Mosul Inland Wetlands Council, and the infamous Al-Basrah Historic District Commission, which has already warned that all non-Iraqi military weaponry must be made of stone, and that transport vehicles be painted to look like camels.
Even if the U.S. project is granted the estimated 600 necessary approvals, the Americans must still obtain a Certificate of Occupation from local officials in any affected area. And then they may not be able to stay. According to new immigration laws, anyone planning to remain in the country for more than six months must obtain a J-6 "Permanent Alien Aggressor" visa. But Iraq only issues 10,000 J-6 visas a year, and each soldier must apply in person. To make matters worse, 25 percent of any invasion force has to be composed of Iraqi electricians.
"Hey, that's not us, that's union," Saleh stressed.
According to White House sources, the entire situation has caused some Bush aides to suggest invading relatively lax Syria instead.
"I mean, to build a single latrine, we need a Domestic Septage Disposal Site permit, a Treatment Facility Installer's permit, a Waste Facilities Management Operating permit, and a Non-Hazardous Solid Waste Transportation permit," said Rumsfeld. "I'll tell you right now, Iraq doesn't need presidential reform, it needs regulatory reform."
"That is one reason we have not been successful," offered London-based Iraqi opposition leader Sharif Ali Bin Al Hussein. "The application for a C10-33 Indigenous Rebellion permit is 900 pages long."
With international opinion running against an attack on Saddam, Rumsfeld yesterday said the United States may try to avoid the red tape and resort to covert operations. The Iraqi Board of Non-Traditional Interventions and Planning will meet the second Tuesday in September to consider the proposal.
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