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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2002 11:18 AM                        Rated G "I never use the words 'Democrats' and 'Republicans.' It's 'liberals' and 'Americans.'" --James Watt, Sec of the Interior  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:00 AM                        Rated G "The first Black president will be a politician who is Black." --Doug Wilder, Gov. of Virginia  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:01 AM                        Rated G "I cook occasionally just to see how easy a woman's work is." --Tip O'Neill, Representative from Massachusetts  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:06 AM                        Rated G "What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle, addressing the United Negro College Fund.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 12:39 PM                        Rated G "If you work for Bill Clinton, you go up and down more often than a whore's nightgown." --James Carville  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 12:41 PM                        Rated G "I love sports. Whenever I can, I watch the Detriot Tigers on radio." --Gerald Ford, Former President of the United States.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 03:24 PM                        Rated PG Dr. Seuss Goes to Flor-Duh Can We Count Them with Our Nose? Can We Count Them with Our Toes? Should We Count Them With a Band Should We Count Them All By Hand? If I Do Not Like The Count, I Will Simply Throw Them Out. I Will Not Let This Vote Count Stand I Do Not Like Them, Al Gore I Am. Can We Change These Numbers Here? Can We Change Them, Calm My Fears? What Do You Mean, Dubya Has Won? This Is Not Fair, This Is Not Fun Lets Count Them Upside Down This Time Let's Count Them Until The State Is Mine! I Will Not This Vote Count Stand! I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am! I'm Really Ticked, I'm In A Snit! You've Not Heard The Last Of It! I'll Count The Ballots One By One And Hold Each One Up To The Sun! I'll Count, Recount, and Count Some More! You'll Grow To Hate This Little Chore But I Will Not, Cannot Let This Vote Count Stand! I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am! I Won't Leave Office, I'm Stayin' Here! I've Glued My Desk Chair To My Rear! Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba Too, All Telling Me That I Should Sue! We Find The Electoral College Vile! Recount The Votes Until I Smile. We Do Not Want This Vote To Stand! We Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am! How Shall We Count This Ballot Box? Let's Count It Standing In Our Socks! Shall We Count This One In A Tree? And Who Shall Count It, You or Me? We Cannot, Cannot Count Enough! We Must Stop, We Must Be Tough! I Do Not Want This Vote To Stand! I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am! I've Counted Until My Fingers Bleed! An Still Can't Fulfill My Counting Need! I'll Count The Tiles On The Floor! I'll Count, And Count, And Count Some More! And I Will Not Say That I Am Done! Until The Counting Says I've Won! I Will Not Let This Count Stand! I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am! What's that? What? What Are You Trying To Say? You Think The Current Count Should Stay? You Do Not Like My Counting Scheme? It Makes You Tense, Gives You Bad Dreams? Foolish People, You're Wrong You'll See! You're Only Care Should Be For Me! I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND! I DO NOT LIKE IT, AL GORE I AM!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:20 PM                        Rated R Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught,each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry.You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first.Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher,reaching to his waist.George began to sweat,thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side.Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side,he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next.A shock of surprise registered on his face,as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.He turned to Michael and exclaimed,"I know Al Gore,Al Gore is a friend of mine,and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply,Al Gore shouted back,"I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:41 PM                        Rated G Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and a puppy? A: After five weeks, the puppy will open its eyes and stop whining.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:44 PM                        Rated R Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!" Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke." "Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:46 PM                        Rated R Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 08:02 PM                        Rated G Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc. Reagan shouts: "Women and children first." Nixon goes: "Fuck the women." Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2002 07:40 AM                        Rated PG A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE". Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight.He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole. This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2002 10:42 AM                        Rated G "Hubert H. Humphrey talks so fast,listening to him is like trying to read Playboy while your wife turns the pages." --Barry Goldwater  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2002 10:44 AM                        Rated G "Do I let a group of powermongering men with short penises tell me what to do?" --Doris Allen, California Assembly Speaker  |  IP: Logged

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