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Author
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Topic: Political Humor
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-08-2003 11:59 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Texans in Hell
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.
"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."
So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.
"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"
A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-10-2003 04:36 PM
Rated G
Enron Man Spam Scam
The Enron scandal has taken another bizarre twist with far reaching political and financial implications even though President Bush has signed sweeping legislation to curtail fraud and corruption in America.
Corporate America is reeling over fresh allegations the "Nigerian Scam" , also known as the 419 Fraud is operated by Enron officials.
Evidence indicates the company did not just lie about profits, conceal debts and undertake a number of shady dealings — they originated the elaborate Nigerian scam to generate billions of dollars from literally nothing.
The scam, operates as follows: the target receives an unsolicited email (fax, or letter) concerning Nigeria and containing a money laundering or illegal proposal. The variations are endless.
Victims are eventually asked to pay an up front fee. Once paid other "complications" requiring more payments ensue until the victim either quits or runs out of money.
Many thought the Nigerian government was behind the scheme because most emails can be traced back to Nigeria. Some come from Ghana, Togo, Liberia, Sierra Leone, the Ivory Coast and other African countries.
Ironically, it is only because of Enron's current predicament that details of its involvement in the scam have come to light.
Enron filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, allowing it to salvage its business by spinning off various assets — one of which was a small Nigerian holding company.
Key witnesses appearing before congressional committees refused to speak in order to avoid incriminating themselves and the role of Anderson Accounting in setting up this company is still uncertain.
The Bush administration is continuing to take a tough stance on the matter.
"Every corporate official who has chosen to commit a crime can expect to face the consequences," Mr Bush said. "No more easy money for corporate criminals, just hard time."
The sheer size of the fraud mean the government is almost powerless to act.
Money stolen by the Nigerian scam operations is never recovered and victims have little or no recourse in the matter.
Evidence of government involvement is also mounting.
It is believed that the American government worked closely with Nigerian officials to ensure the money ended up in America.
Recent examinations of the emails by Professor Thixstone a forensic linguistic expert, indicate the language and bad grammar is more typical of the poor standards in the American schooling system rather then the Nigerian dialect.
Conservative estimates suggest the scheme has generated over six billion dollars since it began in the early 1980s. This would make it one of largest industries in Nigeria.
The scam explains how Enron managed to grow from nothing to become America's seventh largest company, employing 21,000 staff in more than 40 countries.
Proposed anti-spam legislation is coming under intense pressure from lobby groups, outraged investors, employees, pension holders and politicians who see the Nigerian scam as the only way of recovering their financial loss and financing a future war on Iraq.
New anti-spam legislation will probably allow the Nigerian scam to continue.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-11-2003 08:15 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
The Post Turtle
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man,(he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle,)a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas.
The old man said,"Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".
So,not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
And he said,"When your driving down a country road,and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top,that's a post turtle.You know he didn't get there by himself,he doesn't belong there,he can't get anything done while he's up there,and you just want to help the poor thing down."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-11-2003 04:04 PM
Rated PG ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
Please pause a moment,reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test.
(The events are actual cuts from past history.They actually happened! Do you remember?)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
massacred by:
a. Olga Corbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens,and a U.S. Navy
diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindbergh
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998,the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as
missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining
two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted
to a crash by the passengers.
Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Now, isn't it strange that the two snipers recently captured in the DC, Virginia, Maryland area are Muslim?
Nope, ....I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling,do you?
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly
fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will
no longer be allowed to profile certain people.
They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification,Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors.
As the writer of the award winning story Forest Gump so aptly put
it,"Stupid is as stupid does!"
Let's send this to as many people as we can....Muslim males between the ages of 17 and 40 shouldn't be offended. If this was the old days it would be alot worse!!
Just think of this when you're taking off your shoes at the airport
....smile....and think how the guy smelling your feet feels!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-21-2003 09:29 AM
Rated G
Hillary Abuses
She was seen recently on the senate floor speaking against the high salaries of company CEO's.....
Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under this fancy "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she never gets reelected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies.
If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that?
WE DO!
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York.
Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.
The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff -- and this is all perfectly legal!
When she runs for President, will you vote for her?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-22-2003 06:51 AM
Rated G
Bush Sells Alaska Back to Russia
WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Citing concerns about homeland security, "friendship with friends," and the lack of oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, U.S. President George W. Bush today sold Alaska back to Russia for $7 million. Supported by Republican leaders in Congress, Bush completed the sale despite objections from Democrats and Alaskans. Their last-minute appeal to the courts ended when, after several minutes of deliberation, the Supreme Court sided 5-4 with Bush.
Bush plumped the sale as the best way to protect Alaska from attack.
"The enemies of America have no reason to attack Russia," he said. "As part of Russia, Alaska will be safe from evildoers who despise the American way of life."
Bush also argued that the sale was important to maintaining good international relations and would speed efforts, long spearheaded by the oil and gas industry, to develop the wildlife refuge.
"When Russian President Vladimir Putin was in high school," Bush said, "America was an enemy. Now Russian students can know America as a friend and can go there and drill for oil."
Smiling broadly, Russian President Vladimir Putin accepted the deed to the state, nicknamed The Last Frontier. The sale involved about 591,000 square miles of land, which Russia had owned in the 19th century. In 1867, Secretary of State William H. Seward agreed to buy Alaska from Russia for $7 million. His critics referred to the deal as "Seward's Folly."
"Now we have Putin's Folly," the Russian president said, displaying his famous dry wit.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-22-2003 03:08 PM
Rated G
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. The President isn't coming!"
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