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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2003 08:54 AM                        Rated PG West Coast JJ The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate" Over The War On Terrorism: Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ___________________________________________________________ Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. __________________________________________________________ Conservative Answer: BANG! _________________________________________________________ Texan's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed) Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?" Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!"  |  IP: Logged Matthew Peters Expert Film Handler Posts: 179 From: Glen Waverley, Melbourne, Australia Registered: Nov 2002 posted 02-22-2003 07:03 PM                     Rated (.au PG) George Bush visits a primary school. The teacher explains that they are playing a vocabulary game and invites him to join in. Teacher: “today’s special word is tragedy. Who can tell me what a tragedy is?” A young girl raises her hand and says “a Tragedy would be if a little boys was running across the road and he got run over and killed be a garbage truck that did not see him.” George: “No, that wouldn’t be a tragedy, it would be an accident.” So then a young boy eagerly raises his hand. “a tragedy would be if a school bus full of children was going very fast and lost control around a sharp bend and then drove of a cliff and exploded. George: “No, that’s not a tragedy, that’s would be a great loss.” Finally a young boy raises his hand with absolute confidence and says. “A tragedy would be if the president was on air-force one and a missile hit it and blew up” George: “Yes! that’s absolutely right. And do you know why it would be a tragedy?” The boy replies, “Yes, because it would not be an accident and it would not be a great loss” [ 02-23-2003, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Matthew Peters ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 01:23 PM                        Rated G "It's been reported that the FBI is visiting libraries nationwide and checking the reading records of people it finds suspicious. When asked about it, President Bush said 'I've always been suspicious of people who go to libraries." -—Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 01:25 PM                        Rated G "Congressional leaders announced today that they will not give a quick rubber stamp to President Bush's homeland security plan. It needs more work. See this is what I love about Washington? If you want a plan to protect our country it takes, what? Months? Years? But if you're a terrorists at a flight school you can get a visa in two weeks." -—Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 01:47 PM                        Rated PG USS Clinton Perhaps the first ship of the next class of carriers will be the USS Bill Clinton. It will boast the ability to steer a course straight down the middle, but will have a tendency to veer to the left or toward large sums of money. It will be fueled by an unending supply of testosterone, which perpetually replenishes itself. Its presence will always be marked by chaos and destruction, but there will never be enough evidence to prove that it was really there. Maintenance of this class will be a nightmare as items will constantly disappear from the aircraft and wardroom furniture will mysteriously vanish. Its sister ship, the USS Hillary Rodham, will easily steer to the left or to the right, if you know what I mean. Keeping decklogs on this ship will be difficult, as there will be no knowledge of having been anywhere or having done anything. This ship will also run on testosterone but will require a much higher octane. This ship will be characterized by impulses to suddenly change homeports.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 11:55 AM                        Rated PG Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 03:44 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee The National Governors Association met in Washington on Friday at the Shoreham Hotel. The most popular drink at the hotel bar is called "Lilac Crazy" because that's what politicians do whenever they get together at these meetings.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 07:46 AM                        Rated PG A fellow Texan Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked:"If you had been in President Clinton's place,would you have resigned?" Armey responded:"If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying,"How do I reload this damn thing?"  |  IP: Logged Daryl C. W. O'Shea Film God Posts: 3977 From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from) Registered: Jun 2002 posted 03-01-2003 03:50 PM                        Rated G The Train Ride In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face." (2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him." (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me." (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 06:52 PM                        Rated G Your Tax Dollars at Work A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 100 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy"  |  IP: Logged Rob Maar Film Handler Posts: 4 From: Bronx, NY, USA Registered: Feb 2003 posted 03-03-2003 07:05 AM                     Rated G Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said, "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner." Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?" Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah." Clinton said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner." Saddam said, "What was on the banner?" Clinton replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."  |  IP: Logged Daryl C. W. O'Shea Film God Posts: 3977 From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from) Registered: Jun 2002 posted 03-04-2003 02:52 AM                        Rated PG  |  IP: Logged Rob Maar Film Handler Posts: 4 From: Bronx, NY, USA Registered: Feb 2003 posted 03-05-2003 09:13 AM                     Rated G Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2003 08:31 PM                        Rated PG After everything I keep hearing daily concerning the Arabs, Palestinians, Afghans etc. I have decided to search my roots, From now on, please call me by my new Muslim name, "Seldom Bin Laid."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 07:10 AM                        Rated G THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived anorphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.By a surprising coincidence,both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.This, of course,knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny,"I'm terribly sorry.I didn't mean to hurt you;I've been blind since birth,so I can't see where I'm going.In fact,since I'm also an orphan,I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake."Actually, my story is much the sameas yours.I, too,have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you,and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.So the snake slithered all over the bunny,and said,"Well,you're covered with soft fur;you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over,and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery,and you have a forked tongue,no backbone and no balls.I'd say you must be French".  |  IP: Logged

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