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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:22 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Top 10 List which gave a run-down of the "John Kerry Excuses" which led to the junior senator's loss. 10. Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they couldn't get flu shots. 9. Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots. 8. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to begin speeches with "Yo mama is so fat" jokes. 7. The endorsement from Osama Bin Laden didn't exactly help him. 6. "Dude - it's the Curse of the Bambino." 5. Should've campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico. 4. Turns out voters think it's hot that Cheney has a lesbian daughter. 3. Thought America was ready for a 'special' first lady. 2. Voters seem to really like a weak economy and a badly run war. 1. Was distracted by late night erotic phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2004 08:46 PM                        Rated G LAS In CT We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be re-elected President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise! Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her wife, Ed Asner, Janeane Garafalo, Whoppi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner(apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, Pierre Salinger, as well as the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay... at least four more years. Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any. Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Grey Davis, Purser, Terry Heinz Kerry hopefully will be kept somewhere below decks away from the media. Monica Lewinsky as the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl", Entertainment by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, John Kerry will be our Life Guard in consideration of his past experience in pulling people out of the water. (Unless he decides at the last minute not to go) He is advocating the ellimination of the game "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard" Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing! Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and Director of Emergency Procedures Rev. Al Sharpton will provide inspirational services, and Ex-Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator. If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. "Bon Voyage!" Is this a great country or what? It's called freedom  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2004 12:28 PM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi Dan Rather of CBS news was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers. Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?" "OK" said Little Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?" "Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea." "Well then" said Little Tommy, How is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know shit?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2004 12:39 PM                        Rated G Q: What do politicians and porn stars have in common? A: They're both experts at changing positions in front of a camera.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:15 AM                        Rated G Michele President Bush has appointed Margaret Spellings, a White House domestic-policy adviser, to be secretary of education. It was quickly noted that the new director is married. That was a relief as Department of Education is the last place you want to find Miss Spellings.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:37 PM                        Rated G Seen on a bus: If you lie to people to get their money, that's fraud. If you lie to them to get their vote, that's politics.  |  IP: Logged Kenny Thies Film Handler Posts: 42 From: Effingham, IL, USA Registered: Jan 2003 posted 01-09-2005 09:57 AM                     Rated PG It was announced earlier this week that John Kerry got nipple rings. Asked why, Kerry responded, "Why not? George Bush has a Dick Cheney."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2005 10:40 AM                        Rated PG Diane in Reno A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a copy of a letter they received back: :- ) The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C., 20016 Dear Concerned Citizen: Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Washington.You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent,we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.He will bite you, given the chance.We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products,so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire.I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it? Thanks again for your letter.We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck! Cordially... Your Buddy, Don Rumsfeld  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2005 10:18 AM                        Rated PG Diane in Reno Cows,Constitution and 10 Commandments COWS Is it just me,or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington.They also tracked her calves to their stalls.But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow. CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse - You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal","Thou shalt not commit adultery", and "Thou shalt not bear false witness" in a building full of lawyers,judges,and politicians.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2005 10:36 AM                        Rated G Diane in Reno TAXES Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax Capital Gains Tax CDL license Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Court Fines (indirect taxes) Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel permit tax Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon) Hunting License se Tax Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money) Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax) IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Local Income Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Septic Permit Tax Service Charge Taxes Social Security Tax Road Usage Taxes (Truckers) Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax Road Toll Booth Taxes School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone federal excise tax Telephone federal universal service fee tax Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax Telephone state and local tax Telephone usage charge tax Toll Bridge Taxes Toll Tunnel Taxes Traffic Fines (indirect taxation) Trailer registration tax Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What the heck happened  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2005 10:09 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley It seems that the 2004 election was so close that the Electoral College vote was tied, and that Congress couldn't break the deadlock, and that the Supreme Court decided they'd better not make the decision themselves. So they sent Bush and Kerry to a frozen lake in northern Wisconsin to have an ice fishing contest. No one was allowed to accompany them, and they were on their honor to let the guy who caught the most fish in five days become president. On the first day they went out in different directions. Bush came back with ten fish. Kerry caught none. On the second day, Bush caught twenty fish and again Kerry came back empty handed. When Bush brought back 25 fish on day three and Kerry still hadn't caught any, Kerry got worried and telephoned John Edward's for Advice. "He's probably cheating," suggested Edward's. "I hadn't thought of that," said Kerry. "You're probably right. What do we do?" Edward's suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Kerry Follows the President to see what he was doing. At the end of day 4, Kerry called Edward's up and told him, "you were right, John, the bastard is Cheating." "What's he doing?" asked Edward's. "He's cutting holes in the ice!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 07:30 AM                        Rated G The Little Red Hen Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle." And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand." But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, as long as there was free bread.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2005 11:55 AM                        Rated G Michele How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign speech to be under oath?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2005 11:29 AM                        Rated G Michele Results from Sunday's election in Iraq won't be known until next Monday or Tuesday. But that's only because of problems with the absentee votes from Florida and Ohio.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:14 PM                        Rated G Gerry "There's only one thing that bugs me about this revolution bit." sighed one radical to another. "What happens to our unemployment checks when we overthrow the government?"  |  IP: Logged

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