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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2005 07:18 PM                        Rated G Michele A woman went on a tour of the White House.As the guide led her down one of the historic halls,a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal,balancing a beach ball on its nose,scurried past. "My,what was that?" exclaimed the woman. "Oh,that's just the Presidential Seal,"replied the guiide.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2005 12:32 PM                        Rated G Quirk New Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is on a tour of all our European allies. That should take about 15 minutes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2005 11:05 AM                        Rated G A civic election campaign happened to be in progress when we moved to our new home. My wife and I noticed a large sign supporting one candidate on our next-door neighbor's lawn. Within a day we were approached and asked if we'd allow a sign for the opposition to be erected on our property. Until we were familiar with the issues, we said, we couldn't allow it, with the result that three times that week the opposition candidate personally called to discuss the issues and repeat the request. Persuaded, we finally agreed, and the sign was erected. That evening the doorbell rang. A gentleman introduced himself as the other candidate and asked if we had any questions about the election. Surprised at the attention we were receiving, my wife said, "Oh, you must know our next-door neighbor." "I am your next-door neighbor," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 10:27 AM                        Rated G A Pakistani arrives in New York City. All excited,he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr.American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and... The person interrupts and says, "I am not American, I'm Chinese." The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Thank you, Mr. American,for to let my family and me stay here.." Again,he is interrupted before finishing his sentence. "I no be American,I be Turk!" The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Mr.American, me thank you for hospitality you give..." "But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American" "But",answers the Pakistani,distressed,"where are the Americans??" The African looks at his watch and says,"Oh,they all work 'til five o'clock."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:28 PM                        Rated G Andrew "Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:39 PM                        Rated G Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he inquired in this way "My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grand- father was a Christian Scientist (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence). I must also tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist through and through (loud cheers!) and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2005 01:58 PM                        Rated G My husband and I attended a pre-election address by a prominent politician. When he ended his speech,an ardent admirer thanked the guest of honor profusely and presented him with a hand-knit sweater, which the politician promptly tried on. At this, my husband leaned over to me and said, "This is the first time I've seen a politician pull the wool over his own eyes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2005 10:42 AM                        Rated G Politician: Re-elect me for a second term! In spite of what the House Ethics Committee investigation concluded, my conscience is clean. Heckler: Yeah, because in the last six years you never used it!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:46 AM                        Rated G MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT: Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking? WINSTON CHURCHILL: No, it is purely voluntary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:02 AM                        Rated G A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?" "Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:07 AM                        Rated PG WILLIAM GLADSTONE: Mr. Disraeli, you will probably die by the hangman's noose or a vile disease. BENJAMIN DISRAELI: Sir, that depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:47 PM                        Rated G A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual" He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008 So we're taking up a collection for her. The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:49 PM                        Rated R Bruce One day about a month ago, the president was looking for a call girl. Hefound three such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars." He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes......get my panties as low as my wages.......get that thing of yours as hard as the times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me warmer than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr.President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 09:53 AM                        Rated G City Boy: Say, Dad, how many kinds of milk are there? Father: Well, there's evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, and -- but why do you wish to know? City Boy: Oh, I'm drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many *spigots* to put on her.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2005 12:19 PM                        Rated G "President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'" --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged

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