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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2005 09:43 AM                        Rated G Comrades, Your nation has been selected as a recipient of our fraternal assistance plan for socially oppressed third-world countries. We recognize the plight of our brother countries in their struggle against revaunchism, reactionary forces, and insidious cosmopolitanism, and stand ever-vigilant, ready to take the vanguard in this global mission. Our party will help you guard against dangerous enemies, both internal and external, as you build communism for your future generations. We have helped other countries like yours in casting off external forces of capitalist imperialism and crushing petty-bourgeois nationalist movements that are stirred up by the enemies of the people from within. We have selected your country because of its prominent position in the world struggle and have decided to render the assistance within the week. Let it be understood that all those who oppose us oppose progress; those who support us toil towards the establishment of a workers' paradise; and as our father/comrade proclaimed: Those who are not with us are against us. We hope that you will take advantage of our generous offer when our forces begin arriving next week to crush the capitalist serpent that is choking the life of the proletariat in your homeland. Comrades, let us both stand together at this historic moment, let our cadres help your cadres, let the strength of the motherland prevail against your enemies, and let us hope that our relationship is an eternal and productive one.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2005 04:58 PM                        Rated G This is very old maybe 40 + years but it is interesting to see again after all these years. Very interesting......................... Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Now it gets really weird. Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.' Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.' Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse. Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the kicker... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-20-2005 08:26 AM                        Rated G A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of democrats came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car. "Yep" replied the farmer. "Where are they?" asked the sheriff. "Over there," replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt. "You buried them?" asked the sherrif, "Were they still alive?" Replied the farmer, "They said they were, but you know how those people lie."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-20-2005 10:53 AM                        Rated G "Experts in Washington say that if the Coast Guard's ships aren't replaced soon, the will be unable to keep drugs and illegal alians from entering our country. God forbid that should ever happen -- imagine what this place would be like if illegal alians and drugs were able to get in here?!! ~~Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-30-2005 05:48 PM                        Rated PG A Story of Creation In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result. The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days. Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before.... At this point, God created Hell.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-07-2005 06:56 AM                        Rated G Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing about Iraq. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-07-2005 10:22 PM                        Rated G Gerry President Coolidge's wife surprised him by having his portrait painted. When it was finished she hung it in the White House library. When he walked into the library with a senator, they stared at the picture in silence. Finally Coolidge commented: "I think so too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-08-2005 10:22 AM                        Rated G Why did the leper go to the political rally? . . . . . He wanted to give somebody a piece of his mind.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 03:54 PM                        Rated PG Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican ? Here is a little test that will help you decide. Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! ! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican's Answer: BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Southern Republican's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2005 08:00 AM                        Rated G Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives J. Dennis Hastert likes to tell the story of how he visited a high school principal to see if he might want the job himself. Outside the principal's office were half a dozen chairs that were filled with problematic students in the morning and with problematic teachers during lunch hour; the job consisted of listening to complaints all day. 'I couldn't see myself doing that,' Hastert says. 'So I decided to be a state legislator... Right outside my office now there are seven or eight chairs. And they're full every day.' He pauses for laughter. 'They call me the Speaker, but they really ought to call me the Listener."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-12-2005 08:19 AM                        Rated PG News Brief's Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist actually died on Monday, but it took FEMA 4 days to find him. Halliburton got a contract to help rebuild in the Gulf Coast. We're hear they're starting with Trent Lott's house first.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2005 09:51 AM                        Rated G "Al Gore gave a fiery speech today claiming that American democracy was in grave danger... and then his wife said 'Al, just pay the pizza guy and let's eat.'" --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2005 12:32 PM                        Rated G B.B. "A politician stands for what he thinks the public will fall for."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2005 02:47 PM                        Rated G "Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a 40 minute speech without any notes. When asked what Arnold spoke about, the crowd said 'How the hell should we know?'" --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 02:48 PM                        Rated G A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted. "Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"  |  IP: Logged

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