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Author Topic: Political Humor
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-06-2005 06:32 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Welcome to the Tonight Show. Nice to have you here. What a crowd! Boy, I tell you. You sound like Dick Cheney looking at Exxon's profits."

--Jay Leno

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-06-2005 06:33 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Today, President Bush outlined the US government's plan to fight a bird flu outbreak. Apparently, his plan is to attack the bird flu over there in Iraq before it attacks us here."

"You know what he's calling his bird flu attack?

'Flock and Awe.' That's what we're calling it."

"President Bush says he wants to stockpile enough vaccine to protect 20 million Americans.

Of course, the other 260 million Americans who aren't millionaires, you're on your own."

"Bush said today he wants to spend something like $7 billion on a vaccine for this bird flu.

In a related story, Halliburton said, 'We're in the vaccine business.'"

--Jay leno

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-06-2005 06:38 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"I don't think President Bush really understands this bird flu. Like, one reporter asked him today if he's inoculated, and Bush said, 'Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years.'"

--Jay Leno

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-06-2005 06:40 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Well, it was a scary moment in Washington, DC, yesterday, when a man with a knife was arrested in a park right across the street, a couple hundred yards away from the White House, after he slashed four people.

Luckily, no one was seriously injured, and the Secret Service said the incident was 'not terrorist-related.'

Well, thank God for that, huh? Luckily, he was a just a crazy guy across the street from the White House with a knife, stabbing people." [Big Grin]

--Jay Leno

[ 11-06-2005, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-07-2005 12:02 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"I don't know if President Bush really understands this bird flu. A reporter asked him if he was inoculated, and he said 'Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years.'"

--Jay Leno

The Supreme Court ruled today that the word "God" can be left in the Pledge of Allegiance. But they also changed the word "flag" to "monkey".

--David Letterman

"As President Bush so eloquently put it in his address to Congress: 'Mathematics are one of the fundamentaries of educationalizing our youths.' I could not have said it better with a 10-foot pole."

--Dave Barry

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-08-2005 10:38 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Denny In Yonkers

Subject: How Many Slaves do You Own???

For those of you unfamiliar with Fred Reed, he's a police reporter for one of the large Washington newspapers.......

Anyway, Fred publishes (published) a weekly online column in which he got to say the things his editors would never, ever have let him write in the paper. His stuff is iconoclastic and various articles have probably offended everyone regardless of political orientation.

So, with the warning that "This is definitely not politically correct", here comes Fred.

The following is an essay regarding the failings of a system and a culture. Please note that he elegantly describes the mood of many Americans and he does so without prejudice.


Slavery Reparations .......by Fred Reed

On the Web I find that Henry Louis Gates Jr., the chairman of Afro- American Studies at Harvard, is demanding that whites pay reparations to blacks. It's because of slavery, see. He is joined in this endeavor by a gaggle of other professional blacks. I guess he'll send me a bill, huh?

I feel like saying, "Let me get this straight, Hank. I'm slow. Be patient. You want free money because of slavery, right? I don't blame you." I'd like free money too. Tell you what. I believe in justice. I'll give you a million dollars for every slave I own, and another million for every year you were a slave. Fair enough? But tell me, how many slaves do you suppose I have? In round numbers, I mean...Say to the nearest dozen. And how long were you a slave?

Oh. In other words, I owe you reparations for something that I didn't do and didn't happen to you. That makes sense.
Like lug nuts on a birthday cake.

Personally, I think you owe me reparations for things you didn't do and never happened to me. I've never been coated in Dutch chocolate and thrown from the Eiffel Tower. I'll bet you've never done it to anyone. I want reparations. Kinda silly, isn't it?

But if we're going to talk about reparations, that's a street that runs in two directions. You want money from me for what some other whites did to some other blacks in another century. How about you guys paying whites reparations for current expenses caused by blacks? Not long ago blacks burned down half of Los Angeles, a city in my country. Cities are expensive, Hank. Build one sometime and you'll see what I mean. Whites had to pay taxes to repair Los Angeles for you. You can send me a check.

Now, yes, I know you burned LA because you didn't like the verdict in the trial of those police officers. Well, I didn't like
the verdict in the Simpson trial. But I didn't burn my house and loot Korean grocers. Over the years blacks have burned
a lot of American cities: Newark, Detroit, Watts, on and on. Now add in the fantastic cost over the years of welfare in all
its forms, of large police forces and jails and security systems in department stores.

I can't live in the capital city of my own country because of crime committed by blacks. Toss in the cultural cost of lowering standards in everything for the benefit of blacks. See what I mean?

Now, I'd view things differently if you said, "Fred, blacks can't get anywhere in a modern country without education. We know that. We need better schools, smarter teachers, harder courses, books with smaller pictures and bigger words. Can you help us?" I'd say, "Hallelujah! Hoo-ahh! Not just yes, but hell yes. Let's sell an aircraft carrier and get these folks some real schools and get them into the economic mainstream." I'd say it partly because it would be the right thing to do, and partly, because I'd like to add you guys to the tax base.

The current custodial state is expensive. I'd just love for blacks to study and learn to compete and stop burning places.
But is it going to happen? You may not believe it, but I, and most whites, don't like seeing blacks as miserable and screwed up as they are. I spend a fair amount of time in the projects. Those places are ugly. It's no fun watching perfectly good kids turn into semiliterate dope dealers who barely speak English. It just plain ain't right. But, Hank, what am I supposed to do about it? I can't do your children's homework.. At some point, people have to do things for themselves, or they don't get done.

Maybe it's time.

I'll tell you what I see out in the world, Hank.. I think blacks are too accustomed to getting anything they want by just demanding it. True, it has worked for over half a century. Get a few hundred people in the street, implicitly threaten to loot and burn, holler about slavery, and the Great White Cash Spigot turns on. Thing is, whites don't much buy it any longer. Most recognize that what once was a civil-rights movement has become a shakedown game. Few people still feel responsible for the failings and inadequacies of blacks. Political correctness keeps the lid on -- but everyone knows the score. Which scares me, Hank.

On one hand, blacks hate whites and incline toward looting and burning. (The whites you hate are the ones who marched in the civil-rights movement. Ever think about that?)

On the other hand, whites quietly grow wearier and wearier of it. Not good.

On the third hand (allow me three hands, for rhetorical convenience), blacks keep demanding things. As I write, you demand reparations for slavery. Blacks in Oklahoma (I think it was) want money for some ancient race riot. Other blacks reject the Declaration of Independence, blacks in New York hint broadly at burning and looting over a trial, yet more demand the elimination of the Confederate flag, and the federal equal opportunity apparatus, which means blacks, wants
to sue Silicon Valley for not hiring nonexistent black engineers.

That's a lot of demanding for one month, Hank. What happens if whites ever say, "No"?

Now, how about you? You've got a cushy job up there at Harvard, and you can hoot and holler about what swine and bandits whites are. I guess it's lots of fun, and you get a salary for it. But don't you think you might do blacks more good if you told them to complain less and study more?

For example, if you want blacks to work in Silicon Gulch, the best approach might be to find some really smart black guys, and get them to study digital design, not Black Studies. That's how everybody else does it. It works. Then blacks wouldn't feel left out, and racial tension would decline.

Sound like a plan?

Just out of curiosity, how many hours a week do professors of Afro-American Studies spend in the projects, encouraging poor black kids to study real life sho-nuf subjects?

Fred

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-08-2005 11:34 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Andrew

First Lady Laura Bush said she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuse problems. When asked how she would do that, Mrs Bush replied, "Just as I always have, by marrying them and bearing their children." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 11-10-2005 10:38 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Political experts say that because President Bush has been having so much trouble with domestic issues, his advisors are telling him to focus more on international issues. As a result, today President Bush had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes."

--Conan O'Brien

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-10-2005 10:40 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Just when you thought things couldn't get uglier at the White House...yesterday, Prince Charles and Camilla showed up. Prince Charles said today that he wants sit down with President Bush and negotiate a settlement where we take back Madonna."

--Jay Leno

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


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From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-11-2005 07:53 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

LEGISLATIVE OOPS OF THE TONGUE


"I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."

-- Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans

"I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do."

--Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge

"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state." --Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson

"This amendment does more damage than it does harm."

--Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans

"Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time."

-- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego

"I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks."

--Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville

Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber: "They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day."

-- Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-17-2005 12:18 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"The CIA is investigating who leaked the story that they have secret prisons in Europe. They are furious and say if they find the person who did it, they will send them to a secret prison Europe."

--Jay Leno

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 11-21-2005 06:46 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"California voters rejected all four of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot proposals, all of them, every one, including Number One: No hogging the bench press. Number two: Towel off the incline board. Number three: Put the free weights back on the rack after use, and Number Four: Let me squeeze your buttocks and don't tell nobody." [Big Grin]

--Tina Fey on "Saturday Night Live"

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
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 - posted 12-04-2005 12:22 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

"Only in America...even though he stole 2.4 million he has agreed to pay back 1.8 million to make it right. So let that be a lesson to all you other congressmen out there. If you get caught stealing you may have to pay back a small fraction of what you took."

--Jay Leno

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-07-2005 06:39 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Andrew

Bill Clinton was playing golf last week. When asked about his handicap, he said, "She's doing a fine job as senator." [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 12-07-2005 06:44 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] Gerry

Upon hearing that Saddam had come down with a nasty cold, a navy doctor from one of the carriers in the gulf sent him some twelve-hour Sudafed capsules with the following prescription:

To feel better, take one.

To make everyone else feel better, take two. [Big Grin]

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