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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2008 05:12 PM                        Rated G Lorraine One day while campaigning against Dwight Eisenhower during the 1952 presidential election, Adlai Stevenson was approached by a female admirer. "Governor," she enthused, "every thinking person will be voting for you." "Madam, that is not enough," Stevenson replied. "I need a majority!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2008 05:13 PM                        Rated G Charles One day a friend called on Coolidge, they went to a room where the President flipped on a light. The friend found himself confronted by a painting of the President which was so bad he couldn't think of anything to say. Then Coolidge said, "That's what I think, too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2008 06:01 PM                        Rated G Phil in hollywood Dear Abby, I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds. He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around. While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me? Signed, Worried in NY Dear Worried in NY: I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-03-2008 04:33 PM                        Rated G lbp "An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!" Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-03-2008 04:36 PM                        Rated G Andrew To dance the "political shuffle," take one step forward, two steps backward, and then sidestep.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 12:03 PM                        Rated G Andrew Isn't it funny how the word "politics" is made up of the words "Poli," meaning "many" in Greek, and "tics," as in "blooksucking creatures"?  |  IP: Logged Leo Enticknap Film God Posts: 7474 From: Loma Linda, CA Registered: Jul 2000 posted 04-11-2008 03:24 PM                        Dunno whether this counts as politics or sex, but anyhow, here we go. What's the difference between Max Mosley and Robert Mugabe? Mosley has admitted that he's been beaten.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 07:58 PM                        Rated G The History Lesson You Missed When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next. Le Grande Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 08:01 PM                        Rated G Top Ten Times in History...when using the "F" word was appropriate... 10) "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima 9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer 8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein 7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" - Picasso 6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagoras 5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo 4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc 3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" - Noah 2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK 1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2008 07:00 AM                        Rated G Hillary's First Night as President Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this. FIRST NIGHT Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?' Washington says, 'Never tell a lie.' 'Ouch!' Says Hillary, 'I don't know about that.' SECOND NIGHT The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?' Jefferson says, 'Listen to the people.' 'Ohhh! I really, really don't want to do that.' THIRD NIGHT On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?' Lincoln says, 'Go to the theater.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2008 07:42 AM                        Rated G The Jokester The Kyoto Accord The Kyoto Accord went into effect this week, forcing 35 nations and the European Union to cut emissions in an effort to combat global warming. The U.S., the world’s biggest polluter, was not a participant. President Bush refused to sign it. I really don't think he understands the thing. For instance, when they asked him in Europe today if he cared to comment about the Kyoto Accord, President Bush said he much prefers the Camry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2008 03:10 PM                        Rated G lbp John McCain does not use Secret Service protection. He hasn’t been using it. He has his own people. In fact, do you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time? Pallbearers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 03:48 PM                        Rated G lbp I'm not some Tammy Wynette standing by my man... Hillary Clinton  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 04:25 PM                        Rated X What is politics? A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2008 06:56 AM                        Rated G Julia My Position A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it." "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. "This is my position, and I will not compromise!"  |  IP: Logged

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