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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2007 01:17 PM                        Rated X I Miss Bill Clinton It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President. Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes." ... ya gotta love it  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2007 11:18 AM                        Rated G Quirk "It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming." -Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2007 03:15 PM                        Rated G Marty When Harry Truman was vacating the White House, he sank exhausted into a chair and stared glumly at the huge piles of crates. "If I'd known how much packing I'd have to do, I'd have run for another term!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-23-2007 10:01 AM                        RATED G... Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking utterly confused and Said, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2007 01:35 PM                        Rated PG Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential,"replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2007 03:58 PM                        Rated G President Eisenhower told this joke: Three men asked a fourth to join them for a game of golf. He declined, saying he had to go home to his wife. "Are you a man or a mouse?" asked one of the group. "I'm a man," said the reluctant one. "My wife is afraid of mice."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-13-2007 09:12 AM                        Rated G Phil in Ca. I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere. Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while,I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal. Now lets see....... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the hundreds of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English; Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2007 02:08 PM                        Rated PG Phil in LA Rated PG Phil in LA A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks,"What happened, what's the hold up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton,Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.We are going from carto car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?" "About a gallon"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:40 PM                        Rated G Lorraine After a long ride to Baltimore, when he was John Adams's vice president, Thomas Jefferson entered a hotel where a room had been reserved for him. The hotel owner, whose name was Boydon, had never met Jefferson. He looked over the dust-covered newcomer carefully. Convinced the man was just a farmer, Boydon said, "We have no room for you, sir." Jefferson again asked for a room and was again told no by Boydon. The vice president left and went a couple of blocks to another hotel. Upon hearing that he had just turned away the vice president of the United States, Boydon sent a man after Jefferson to deeply apologize and bring him back. But Jefferson told the messenger, "Tell him I have engaged a room. Tell Mr. Boydon that I value his good intentions highly, but if he has no room for a dirty farmer, he has none for the vice president.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2007 06:47 PM                        Rated G Lorraine When President Lyndon B. Johnson died in 1973, there were no living former Presidents.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-22-2007 07:31 AM                        Rated G This is a great definition: The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's contemporary term is: Political Correctness. "Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional minority and by the mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-11-2007 01:55 PM                        Rated PG Ross Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 08:56 AM                        Rated G Lorraine What's the difference between a pick pocket and a politician? A pick pocket steals first, and then runs, while a politician runs first, and then steals.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 09:00 AM                        Rated G Andrew There are no true friends in politics. We are all sharks circling, and waiting, for traces of blood to appear in the water. ~Alan Clark  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 03:45 PM                        Rated G Ibp Abraham Lincoln vs. John F Kennedy 1. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. 2. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. 3. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost a child while living in the White House. 4. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. 5. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. 6. Both were assassinated by Southerners. 7. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. 8. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. 9. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. 10. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters.  |  IP: Logged

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