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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 07:16 AM                        Rated R When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years Madame?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word,... 'appiness!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 07:37 AM                        Rated G Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. Can't you see these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their backs? F. A. T. A. S. S. I feel safer already!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2006 12:19 PM                        Rated G Andrew When Teddy Roosevelt was Governor of New York, he used to run up the steps of the state capitol, followed by the press. Any reporter who finished with him and still had the breath to ask a question would get an answer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2006 10:35 AM                        Rated PG Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a lady was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horses blond mane and a big ass. Now she's the Senator from New York.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 02:41 PM                        Rated G Andrew Trying to make things work in government is sometimes like trying to sew a button on a custard pie.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 11:28 AM                        Rated XX Denny on Yonkers Missing Bill Clinton! It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is absolutely hilarious. On a Canadian TV show there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever had for a black man as President. Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, I don't know,I never had one. American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom. Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe. The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know. Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2006 12:18 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2006 10:20 AM                        Rated G "Al Gore is writing his second book on global warming. It's called, 'The Earth is Warming, My Career is Cooling.'" --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 09:18 AM                        Rated G Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of January 1, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of January 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Mr. Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation. Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower,Inc. to help him write a résume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile. Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but, should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there,I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit he once made to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:04 PM                        Rated G aNDREW There are two periods when Congress does no work: one is before the holidays and the other is after.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 09:41 AM                        Rated G Andrew Ever occur to you why some of us can be this much concerned with animals suffering? Because government is not. Why not? Animals don't vote.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 01:39 PM                        Rated G "U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush at the White House this week. Bono urged the President to help the world's poor. Bush urged Bono to get back with Cher." --Tina Fay  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 01:42 PM                        Rated G "Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indited and he was stripped of his congressional powers. When asked what it feels like to lose all his powers, Delay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 01:49 PM                        Rated G A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 07:42 AM                        Rated G The Senate has voted to block oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Opponents say it would have endangered the environment... and the polar bears kept demanding 50% of the profits.  |  IP: Logged

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