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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 07:12 AM                        Rated G Andrew It's very hard today for one to sustain a family and the government on a single salary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 08:17 AM                        Rated G David After dinner one evening a the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music." "Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 08:20 AM                        Rated G Bruce Margaret Thatcher and her Cabinet were meeting over lunch to discuss an important bit of impending legislation. "And what will you have, Madam?" asked the waiter, coming over with his notepad. "I'll have the Beef Wellington," replied the Prime Minister promptly, eager to get on with the business at hand. "And, for the vegetables?" continued the waiter politely. Thatcher replied briskly, "They'll have the same."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 11:27 AM                        Rated G Andrew You can't fool all the people all the time, but if you can do it once every four years, you'll have a promising career ahead of you in politics.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 09:49 PM                        Rated PG B.B. Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and said, "I jes can't unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?" "Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the old swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol." "Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. Ya see, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an mouth and a briefcase."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2006 08:21 PM                        Rated G Dateline Washington DC: In an attempt to stem the tide of bird flu, US President GW. Bush ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2006 08:34 PM                        Rated G Bruce The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony!" "I don't know, what would I wear?" "Don't worry, I'll send you to a dressmaker." "But I only eat kosher food." "Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food." "But how will I get there?" "I'll send a limo, just come, Mama." "Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy." The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 08:29 AM                        Rated G Andrew He made so many mistakes at his last job that the government tried to hire him as a consultant.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 08:13 AM                        Rated G Bruce "I never gave anyone hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell" --Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 08:50 AM                        Rated PG Tiggy On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore. There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you My blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom." "Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing.. how's the bait holding up?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2006 03:01 PM                        Rated G On election eve, 1948, Thomas Dewey (who, according to polls, was poised to defeat Harry Truman for the presidency) turned to his wife and asked: "How will it be to sleep with the President of the United States?" "A high honor," she replied, "and quite frankly, darling, I'm looking forward to it." On the following morning, news arrived of the election results: Incredibly, Truman had won! (Polls which canvased opinion by telephone, then a costly amenity, naturally suffered from adverse selection and yielded inaccurate results.) Eventually, the Deweys sat down for breakfast: "Tell me, Tom," Mrs. Dewey said with a smile, "am I going to Washington or is Harry coming here?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 03:26 PM                        Rated G At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state. "RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2006 03:48 PM                        Rated G Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?" His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His father bought him American Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." His father bought him Disney Studios. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you." His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit" His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 02:32 PM                        Rated G Bruce Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:38 PM                        Rated G "Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt is recommending that Americans keep canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when the bird flu hits. Well, that should silence critics who say the Administration doesn't have a plan to deal with the bird flu, huh?" --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged

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