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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated G "Arnold,God bless him,out trying to get the minority vote today. Today,he told a group of African-American voters, "I'll be black." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated G "There have been a lot of shark sightings off the coast of California.Turns out these sharks are pretty smarteven they can smell Gray Davis' blood in the water." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2003 06:14 PM                        Rated G Congress has returned to Washington.The upcoming session is a critical one for both Houses.Each has some very important legislation to stall. --Alan Ray  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:36 AM                        Rated G Liberal versus Conservative Liberal versus Conservative The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate" Over The War On Terrorism: Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your spouse and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Liberal Answer: Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. Conservative Answer: BANG!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 09:07 AM                        [b]Rated G The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and proper Washington hostess. "In my country," he said,"the most popular of all activities is making love." Shocked,the wide eyed hostess said,"Oh! Isn't that revolting?" "No," the diplomat replied,"that's our second favorite activity."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 09:13 AM                        Rated G Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 08:16 PM                        Rated G Alex "I knew this was coming. Last week, President Bush dropped his dog Barney on the dog's head. Today, Al Qaeda claimed full responsibility. " --David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-11-2003 12:39 PM                        Rated G "Gray Davis was making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent.He said,“If you want to be governor of California,you have to be able to pronounce it.” "Arnold replied," “To be governor of California, you should be able to govern it.” --David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 11:50 AM                        Rated G Every politician and voter should read this! While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, yousee, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they hadwhile getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I wouldbe better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of abarren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 02:17 PM                        Rated G Peter Ueberroth has dropped out of the race for governor. People in the state are shocked - they had no idea he was running. --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2003 02:24 PM                        Rated G "The circus doesn't stop.A federal appeals court has postponed the recall election.How stupid are we? Even our recalls get recalled.They ruled that the ballot machines were outdated.How ironic is that,the Terminator gets stopped by the machines?" --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2003 07:55 AM                        Rated G American History 101 It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki,son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class.The teacher said,"Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?" She saw a sea of blank faces,except for Suzuki's "Patrick Henry 1775," he said. "Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?" Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her. One of the kids says, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 07:32 AM                        Rated G "The U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco delayed the California recall election in a setback for Arnold Schwarzenegger.It's the same court that banned the Pledge of Allegiance to mollify atheists.First they outlawed the Creator and now they are going after Mr. Universe." --Argus Hamilton  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 11:56 AM                        Rated G "Governor Gray Davis said he welcomed the decision. He said using the punch-card machines wouldn't be fair to the people. And he has a point.Afterall,those were the machines that got him elected in the first place." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 11:58 AM                        Rated G "President Bush wants 75 billion more dollars to help Iraq.The place has no leadership,no electricity,and is divided among diverse cultural lines.It’s in danger of becoming another California." --Alan Ray  |  IP: Logged

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