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Author
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Topic: Political Humor
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2003 12:01 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Sue Bee
If you haven't bought Hillary's Book yet you had better hurry!...NOT
"Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it
took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time
she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date."
-- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much
of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern."
-- Craig Kilborn
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed.He is crushed.There go his dreams of
becoming a two-impeachment family."
-- David Letterman
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-27-2003 11:48 AM
Rated G
WhiteHouse '04
This country needs a redneck up there in the Big House. Oh yeah - You put a redneck in the White House...Things are gonna change. Bubba Phil gets elected, Pork BBQ in every pot, 2 washin' machines on every porch, a gun rackin every truck, Free Pay Per View wrasslin' on every TV. By the way, a woman touchin' the TV remote control - punishable by death!
Bubba Phil get elected...An' the national holidays is Christmas, Thanksgivin'...the Daytona 500...an' the day the Swimsuit Edition comes out. You know that big plane they got - Air Force One? Bubba Phil gets elected...Bass Boat One!
An' people wanna know how Bubba Phil would work that Supreme Court. They wanna know...would you pick a pro-lifer or a pro-choicer; People, Bubba Phil is gonna pick a Pro Bowler! All they wanna know about Supreme Court justices now is are they liberal or conservative, have they smoked pot, or told dirty jokes
...All I wanna know is...Can they pick up a spare in the beer frame?
Now, let me say somethin' 'bout my opponents. Nuther words...Lemme lay out the straight skinny on these pencil neck, money-grubbin', scum-suckin', baby-kissin', yellow-bellied, dog-squinch-fer-brains,nit-wits they call candidates.
These back slappin' weasels runnin' fer president will tell you anything to get elected. If you was a cow...they'd tell you they was vegitarians, if you was a dog, they'd say they was another dog's butt, if you was gay, they'd say bend over! Bullcrap people! That ain't Bubba Phil. I'm the only man with the guts...an' the hangy down things...to tell it like it is.
Number one...Bubba Phil is gonna straighten out that military mess. You know what they wanna do now - They wanna put women sailors in the submarines. You can't put women in a giant tin can with 200 red blooded American fightin' men. They all time time's naggin' you to fix that pingin' noise. Well I Say...Over my dead body! When Bubba Phil is president...The only women on submarines is the way God intended, naked ones in the pictures stuck to the walls. An' I'm sorry to say this...But three days every month...That's way too close to nuclear warheads.
When Bubba Phil is president...Richard Petty's gonna beon Mt. Rushmore. Fidel Castro is gonna be a big cigar-chompin' stain on some street in Havana. The only thing left of Sadaam Hussein is gonna be a bloody beret with bits a brain stuck in it. Janet Reno's gonna be a caddy in the LPGA.Hillary's gonna be goin' to beauty school. An' people...Bill Clinton's gonna be breakin' rocks in the federal pen!!! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-01-2003 10:07 AM
Rated R
What All Politicians Should Understand
While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. (Maybe it's Hillary Clinton?)
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!" What All Politicians Should Understand
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-07-2003 05:43 AM
Rated R
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore.She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.
I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."
Poof!
And just like that......her ears were gone.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-14-2003 02:03 PM
Rated G
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second,"That cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab."It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.There was a puff of smoke,and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
"I said, 'No shit'?"
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