my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Political Humor (Page 16)

This topic comprises 47 pages: 1  2  3  ...  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  ...  45  46  47

Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 05:39 PM                        Rated G Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United States from heart failure earlyin the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, and factories, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend morethan you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge,not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and new math. But his health declined when he became infected with the If-it-only-helps-one person-it's-worth-it virus. In recent decades, his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch,and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion. Common Sense lost his will to live as churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Pledge of Allegiance to professional sports. When an individual, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel. As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, step ladders and auto emissions. Common Sense finally succumbed when, while the United States was fighting a war on terrorism, a federal judge declared the Pledge of Allegiance to be unconstitutional. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two step-siblings: My Rights, and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. Source Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 05:52 PM                        Rated G *** What makes VIRGINIA so PRESIDENTIAL ? *** Eight United States Presidents were born in Virginia: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, William Harrison, John Tyler, Zachary Taylor, and Woodrow Wilson. Additionally, six Presidents' wives were born in Virginia: Martha Washington, Martha Jefferson, Rachel Jackson, Letitia Tyler, Ellen Arthur, Edith Wilson. Finally, seven Presidents are buried in Virginia: Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Tyler, Taft and Kennedy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-24-2003 10:33 AM                        Rated G Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be willing to serve another term. Greenspan went on to say, "Where else would I get a job in this economy?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-28-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee REAGAN GENERATION Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers. ..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 12:20 PM                        Rated PG A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York is having a special on what they are calling the "Bucket of Hillary"-- two small breasts two large thighs and a bunch of left wings.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 09:21 AM                        Rated G Louise Hillary Has Crabs! Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the senator that she has crabs?" After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease. She says "What?" He again responds "Nixon's Disease." She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 09:39 AM                        Rated G Michele The Senate is investigating the growing number of sweepstakes scams. Many of the sweepstakes target the elderly, convince them they willreceive large amounts of money in return for their initial payments, but in reality never deliver anything but a tiny fraction of the promised amount. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security. [ 08-04-2003, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:08 PM                        Rated G Michele Last week in Manhattan, President Bush attended a fund-raiser and the crowd began yelling,"Four more years." Apparently, the crowd was guessing how much longer we would be looking for weapons of mass destruction. --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-04-2003 05:48 PM                        An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-18-2003 04:35 PM                        Rated G Nominated for "Quote of the Year" is the statement made by retired Texas Congressman Dick Army when asked, "If you had been in President Clinton's place would you have resigned?" Army's reply: "If I had been in the President's place, I would not have gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to my wife ask, 'How do you reload this son of a bitch'?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 06:39 AM                        Rated G Elections officials in California are concerned that having 247 candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count. Today in Florida they said, "What? You count the ballots?" -- Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:21 PM                        Rated G Michele All nine Democratic presidential candidates have come out in support of Gray Davis. Today in Disneyland, all seven dwarves came out for Gary Coleman. -- Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:27 PM                        Rated G Michele One of the candidates running for California governor is a 100- year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis. But more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth. --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:29 PM                        Rated G Michele It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches." -- Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:34 PM                        Rated G Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers: Sooflay ............the restauranteur Guday...............the half-Australian brother Huray...............the sports fanatic Sashay..............the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother Sayhay..............the baseball player Ojay................the stalker/murderer Gulay...............the singer/entertainer Ebay................the internet czar Biliray.............the country music star Ecksray.............the radiologist Puray...............the blender factory owner Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother Tupay...............the one with bad hair Among the sisters: Pusay...............the 'loose' 22 yr old Lattay..............the coffee shop owner Bufay...............the 300 pound sister Dushay..............the clean sister Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway............the grocery store owner Ollay...............the half-mexican sister Gudlay..............the prostitute More will no doubt be discovered. [ 08-21-2003, 05:49 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 47 pages: 1  2  3  ...  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  ...  45  46  47

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.