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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 05:54 AM                        Rated R "I voted Republican .The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth." -- Monica Lewinsky  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated G A fleeing Taliban,desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,he walked towards the image,only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked,"I"m dying of thirst,can I have some water?" The Jew replied,"I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted,"I don't want an overpriced tie,you idiot,I need water!" The Jew replied "OK then,don't buy my ties.But to show you what a nice guy I am,I'll tell you that over that hill there,about four miles, is a nice restaurant.Walk that way;they have all the water you need." The Arab begrudgingly thanked him,then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill.Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped, "I found it all right.Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 08:31 AM                        Rated G "Former President Clinton was featured in a foreign documentary that was nominated for an Oscar.I believe it was called, 'Crouching Intern, Stolen Sofa'." --David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 03:13 PM                        Rated PG I was told this is a true story..I dont believe it. What about you? A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along side the road. A short distance up the road,they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barelyalive.They ran to him,cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. "Well,"he whispered,"I was walking down this road,armed to the teeth.I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.I looked him right in the eye and shouted,"Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled,lying piece of trash!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back,"Bill Clinton, Tom Daschle,Ted Kennedy and most of your Democrats are unprincipled,lying pieces of trash, too!" "We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 05:14 PM                        Rated G Morris,the Governor's most trusted assistant,died in his sleep one night.The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject,from pending bills to wardrobe decisions.In addition,Morris had been his closest friend. So,it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris' job."They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,"the Governor muttered. At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Morris' place?" "Certainly," the Governor replied. "But you'd better hurry.I think the undertaker is almost finished."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 09:10 AM                        Rated PG Presential Visit Supplied by JJ on the left Coast On a propaganda tour through the United States President George Bushvisits a school and explains his political actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions. Little Bob rises to speak: Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask: 1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore? 2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason? 3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggestterrorist attack of all times? Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children runout of the classroom. When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions. This time Joey rises to speak: Mr. President,I have got five questions to ask: 1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore? 2.Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason? 3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times? 4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today? 5. Where is Bob???  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 10:37 AM                        Rated G {/b] [b]Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California, saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronouce "gubernatorial." - Jimmy Fallon -  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 08:10 AM                        Rated G The FBI has warned law enforcement agencies that al Qaeda operatives may be disguised as beggars, flower vendors or street sweepers. Or as they used to be called, stockbrokers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 11:56 AM                        Rated G At a hastily called press conference this morning,Taliban Minister of Emigration,Mohammed Ben Dover,warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan,Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off Americas supply of convenience store managers  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 11:06 AM                        Rated R Liberal vs Conservative vs Texan debate Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. Youhave mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ____________ Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on,could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing!I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. _________ Conservative Answer: BANG! ________ Texan's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed) Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?" Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 11:10 AM                        Rated R Monica Fights Back In response to President Clinton's firm denial,Monica Lewinsky released a statement through her Lawyer. "I have had enough This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth,and I can't stomach any more.I feel as if I am getting the shaft.This ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.This may be a load to handle,but when times are hard,that is when I am at my best.I have faced hard times in the past and I know what is coming...I will meet this challenge the only way I know how...head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a fighter,that she quit before the job was done.I will work non stop and fight this blow by blow until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. Thank you." Monica Lewinsky  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 11:32 AM                        Rated R "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 06:51 AM                        Rated G The DEA recently announced the arrest of a drug dealer in Alaska who allegedly sold marijuana to seabirds. Prosecutors claim that the accused left no tern unstoned.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 10:44 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Top Ten Most Common Questions Asked Of The White House Switchboard Operator. 10. "You guys find Saddam yet?" 9. "Can I get some of them little square hamburgers delivered?" 8. "Hey, it's the President. I lost my wallet again. Can you tell the guy to let me in?" 7. "You guys find Saddam yet?" 6. "How 'bout Osama -- found him yet?" 5. "I work next door. Can you guys turn down the Lynyrd Skynyrd?" 4. "It's Al Gore -- has anyone called for me?" 3. "Do you accept unsolicited 'West Wing' scripts?" 2. "Aren't you too busy to answer your own phone, Mr. President?" 1. "This is the President -- any idea how I'd get a hold of Cheney?" David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 10:55 AM                        Rated G Michele "Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." ---Plato (427-347 B.C.) "Plato was a bore." ---Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) "Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal." ---Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) ...... .......  |  IP: Logged

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