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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:14 PM                        Rated G The Pentagon announced today the existence of a new terrorist group in Iraq.This new group is known as Saddam Hussein's Iraqi Terrorists (SHIT). The Iraqi government had been actively recruiting both their soldiers and civilians to become SHITs with a marketing campaign copying the Dr. Pepper jingle, "I'm a SHIT, he's a SHIT, etc.... wouldn't you like to be a SHIT too?" This apparently would be considered a promotion for regular Iraqi Army soldiers, but only a lateral transfer for Republican Guard members. According to a Pentagon analyst, one of the most disturbing facets of this is the ability of the SHIT to disguise themselves as TURDs (Terrorists Underneath Raghead Diapers).It would be difficult, he said, to distinguish between SHITs and TURDs without very close examination.He further stated, however, that US forces would continue to do their best to shoot the SHIT and bomb the SHIT out of Iraq, or until the SHIT hit the fan. The Pentagon also said they regard Saddam Hussein to be the Number One SHIT,and that he is at the top of their SHIT list.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:50 PM                        Rated G THE TACO LIBERTY BELL: In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called up the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell is housed to express their anger.Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed that it was all a joke a few hours later.The best line inspired by the affair came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale, and he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold, though to a different corporation, and would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 10:03 AM                        Rated G The U.S. Plan Here's the plan: 1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini and the rest of them 'good old boys'. We will never "interfere" again. 2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence. 3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them. 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers. 5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby. 6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while. 7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. 8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides' most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if any anyway. 9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. 11) And lastly bring back the manufacturing from our country, curtail the cheap imports from all over the world and put the middle class back to work in our country. Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-03-2003 08:39 AM                        Rated G "According to the Pentagon we may be running out of things to bomb in Baghdad. Earlier today a cruise missile destroyed the Museum of Rubble." -—David Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-03-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated G "[Peter Arnett] gave an interview to Iraqi state run TV in which he criticized U.S. war plans, complimented the Iraqi resistance, and said the American battle plan was a complete failure. In fact, they said if he comes back to the United States, he could be charged with impersonating a Hollywood celebrity." -—Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-04-2003 11:48 AM                        Rated G Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam doubles. "Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is Saddam is still alive. The bad news is he lost an arm."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 09:10 AM                        Rated G Press Release Contact: Pierre LaFont 01-459 6274 4 Rue de Remarques, Paris, France. President Jacques Chirac announced today that France would be deploying two Elite units of French troops to Iraq. Five hundred crack troops from the 2nd Groupement d'Instruction en Abandonment are mobilizing to assist the Iraqi Army in the finer points of military surrender. "The immediate capitulation of an armed force is a delicate and intricate tactic in which we French have much experience." said Defense Ministry spokesperson General de Armee Francois-Phillippe Hommes de Petit-Pommes. "There is a certain protocol in laying down your arms or fleeing the battlefield. To wave the white flag while remaining arrogant, pompous and insufferable requires experience and training. The French Army believes it is second to none in the fine art of surrendering quickly. The record of our armed forces in that area speaks for itself. The Iraqi Performance in giving up without a fight during the last Gulf War was commendable but slip-shod. We hope to improve their level of surrender execution for the next war." General Hommes de Petit-Pommes further announced that 1000 advisors from the Regiment de Collaborateurs Francais will also be dispatched to Iraq to assist the Iraqi people in collaborating effectively with any occupation force. "It is more important to protect their art treasures than to defend their honour," the General pointed out. The General also expressed the hope that Baghdad has some tree-lined Boulevards "It was our experience that the Germans liked to march in the shade, and we feel the Americans and the British might like that same measure of comfort in Iraq-especially as warm weather settles in this spring."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2003 01:11 PM                        Rated G Michele They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America,he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was.And it was all done on a government grant. [ 04-16-2003, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2003 02:34 PM                        Rated PG An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you arealso very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked. The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2003 02:51 PM                        Rated G Michele Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex,three of sodomy,a transsexual making love to a dog,and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking,"Are there any questions?" Five people shouted in unison,"Where'd you rent the tape?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2003 02:54 PM                        Rated PG What do women and tax forms have in common? Men love to cheat on them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 07:42 AM                        Rated PG Excellent. http://snickerplanet.com/humor_saddam_bomb.swf  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 04:32 PM                        Pat Rated R Pat Dr. Seuss as Clinton's Lawyer I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain While talking to Saddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I did not fondle Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time with Margaret Thatcher I chased her round but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I would not, could not, with my wife Now that Miss Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes And Paula Jones and those State Troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie And then just hang them out to dry I did not do it last November And if I did I don't remember I did not do it in the hall I could have but I don't recall There was no sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count if we stayed dressed I never used that big cigar You must believe me Mr. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my mama taught me I tried to hide but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never ever did inhale.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 05:59 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee IMPORTANT MESSAGE: News is in that the Taliban's are extremely offended by being called 'towel heads'. We have been informed that they do NOT wear towels on their heads. They wear sheets. In the future please call them 'sheet heads'. Thank you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2003 06:59 AM                        Rated G An elder American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport."You have been to France before Monsieur?",the customs officer asked sarcastically. The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection",snapped the irate official. The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport. "Impossible,old man.You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France." The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man,that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there was no Frenchman on the beach asking to see my passport!" [ 04-24-2003, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged

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