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Author Topic: Political Humor Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 01:02 PM                        Rated G Joan in South Dakota These are some of the humorous anti-war slogans that have appeared on buttons and signs at recent anti-war protests:[/b] These colors don't run the world. One nation under surveillance. How did our oil get under their sand? Go Solar, not Ballistic. Who Would Jesus Bomb? Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now. Don't blame me, I voted with the majority. Buck Fush! It's NUCLEAR, not NUCULAR, you idiot! Resistance is Fertile. (Pictures of sheep carrying flags) Stop Mad Sheep Disease Now. (UFW sign) Pick Fruit, not Fights. (On a five year old) More Candy Less War. Say can you see my democracy? (With pictures of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld) Asses of Evil. It's the oil, stupid. War is expensive, Peace is priceless. Read between the Pipelines No More Bu$h. Smart weapons, Dumb president. The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself. How many Lives per Gallon? Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now! Peace Takes Brains Anything war can do, peace can do better. Negotiation Not Annihilation. Another patriot for peace. Drop Bush, Not Bombs Oh Say can You Cease? Star Spangled Bummer Don't Arm a Son of a Bush Don't do it George, Dad will still love you. Power to the Peaceful The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 08:22 AM                        Rated G A story with a moral. A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap! Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house." The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house." "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.! Be assured that you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap? Am I in grave danger? Duh!" So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer's mouse trap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey.The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat. So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk. And thus it may be with Germany, France and Belgium one day...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 05:06 PM                        Rated G The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang.He listened intently,and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up,he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted,"the results are in.I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded."Aw, heck,Ma,why bring that up at a time like this?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 05:33 PM                        Presidential Mischief 1.Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack? 2.Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? 3.Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? 4 .Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister? 5.Which president called his mistress "Pookie"? 6.Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re- election campaign? 7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else? 8. Which president had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary? 9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret service agent pre- vented the hysterical First Lady from attacking them? 10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet? 11. Which Vice-President was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's? Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo? Answers 1. John F. Kennedy 2. Bill Clinton 3. Lyndon B. Johnson 4. Thomas Jefferson 5. Bill Clinton 6. Andrew Jackson 7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson 8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy 9. Warren G. Harding 10. John F. Kennedy 11. Lyndon B. Johnson 12. Lyndon B. Johnson  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 05:51 PM                        Rated PG A Quandary: You are the President of the United States.Scientists have discovered that a meteor is headed straight towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in two days at approximately 2:30 AM eastern time. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth. France and the United Nations have urgently requested that the United States fire all of its missiles at the meteor and that it send all available ships, troops and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Many of these ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. *********** As the President,you must decide:Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live on CNN,or do you tape it and watch it in the morning?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 06:15 AM                        Rated G Author Unknown "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,the best golfer is a black guy,The Swiss hold the America's Cup,France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,and Germany doesn't want to go to war."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 08:18 AM                        Rated G The Boston Herald, on tuesday (3/18) had on its front cover a picture of President Bush superimposed over the American flag. In large letters cover 1/3 of the page, the caption read: "Bush's Moment of Truth" Hmmm. You mean he's been lying to us up until now???  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 08:37 AM                        Rated G White House has set up hotlines for peoples to say Yes or No to war. Please call one of the following numbers: 1-800-I-SUPPORT to support the war against Iraq. 1-900-I-OPPOSE if you oppose the war**. **: There is a charge of $3.95 per minute fo this call. Minimum billing time 10 minutes.  |  IP: Logged Douglas Curry Film Handler Posts: 21 From: Garbutt, Queensland, Australia Registered: Nov 2002 posted 03-26-2003 03:09 PM                        Rated PG (Contains Drug referances and some Violence) Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... And these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction? I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. My Mum can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. Mum can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? Mum would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd laysome stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole dadburn summer. Inspectors my foot ... You want the job done? Call my mother!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2003 06:24 AM                        Rated PG Let's Discuss France At times such as these when war is the most prevalent thought in our minds, a little humor to boost morale is a good thing. Particularly when it pokes fun where fun ought to be poked. Hope you enjoy this momentary diversion -- I did. "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain "I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was asked this question: "Could you tell us why to date at least the Administration doesn't favor direct talks with the North Korean government? After all, we're talking with the French." The Secretary smiled and replied: "I'm not going there!" "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---- Marge Simpson "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh, "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --- Regis Philbin There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.' "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989) Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French. "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." --Conan O'Brien "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM: "Runaway" by Del Shannon, "Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers, "Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis, "Running Scared" by Roy Orbison, "I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards, "Surrender" by Elvis Presley, "Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons, "Live and Let Die" by Wings, "I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond, "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers, "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin "Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2003 07:03 AM                        Rated G Trying to Help article in Wichita falls paper by Dennis Miller All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has got my insane little brain spinning like a roulette wheel. I enjoy reading opinions from both sides but I have detected a hint of confusion from some of you. As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice someone ever gave me. he told me about the kiss method ("keep it simple, stupid!) so, with this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory for those who don't quite get it. My hope is that we can simplify things a bit and recognize a few important facts. Here are 10 things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important issue: 1) Out of President Bush and Saddam Hussein, Hussein is the bad guy. 2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right thing keep this in mind, they have Libya heading the committee on Human Rights and Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here. 3) If you use Google search and type in "French military victories," your reply will be "did you mean French military defeats?" 4) If your only anti-war slogan is "no war for oil," sue your school district for allowing you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the education you deserve. 5) Saddam and Bin Laden will not seek United Nations approval before they try to kill us. 6) Despite common belief, Martin Sheen is not the President. He plays one on TV. 7) Even if you are anti-war, you are still an "infidel!" and Bin Laden wants you dead, too. 8) If you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy" but not in the danger that Hussein poses, quit hanging out with the Dell computer dude. 9) We are not trying to liberate them. 10) Whether you are for military action or against it, our young men and women overseas are fighting for us to defend our right to speak out.We all need to support them without reservation. I hope this helps.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2003 10:33 AM                        Rated G NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES: Afghanistan Cruise We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise! Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue,David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach,Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years. Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any. Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Monica Lewinsky as recreation director, Ted Kennedy as lifeguard and emergency procedures director, and Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator. If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. Bon Voyage!" Is this a great country or what!  |  IP: Logged Thomas Procyk Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1842 From: Royal Palm Beach, FL, USA Registered: Feb 2002 posted 03-30-2003 05:47 PM                     Rated: G What must an American projectionist do before running a film from the Middle East? Remove the Iraqi leader! =TMP= MY 600th POST!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2003 10:39 AM                        Rated G ..................Baby Blues News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi primary school and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 06:28 AM                        Rated PG You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A. M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever. France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide: Do you... A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live? B) Tape it and watch it in the morning?  |  IP: Logged

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